Total Fucking Idiots Try to Have Intelligent Conversation about Breaking Bad

28 Sep

(WARNING: CONTAINS BREAKING BAD SPOILERS, OBVIOUSLY)

EVANSTON – Early Friday night, three Northwestern University students, all of whom are complete morons, reportedly attempted to have a meaningful discussion about the characters, symbols, and possible outcome of the hit television series Breaking Bad, whose series finale airs this Sunday at 8:00 Central Time.

Bentford also mentioned that the above image, of which he has a poster-sized version in his room, is “pretty mesmerizing.”

Bentford also mentioned that the above image, of which he has a poster-sized version in his room, is “pretty mesmerizing.”

Sources say that the conversation, conducted by Wesley Bentford (WCAS, ’15), Zach Silverberg (Comm., ’15) and Ryan Mancuso (WCAS, ’15), lasted well over thirty minutes, despite the fact that all three of the participants are incredibly stupid, and touched on topics such as the show’s use of color, the show’s cinematographic techniques, and the development of some of its most major characters.

“Personally, I think that the show is primarily a character study of Walter White,” said Bentford, who often has to sing the Alphabet Song to himself to remember what letter comes after K. “All of the other characters are important, sure, but ultimately everything comes back to Walt.”

“What I find fascinating is how the show is so rewarding to watch a second time,” commented Silverberg, who, earlier that evening, had to consult the directions on the back of the package while making ramen noodles. “Vince Gilligan and all of the writers do such a great job at dropping in little hints as to what happens next. No other show can do that that well.  Hey Ryan, pass the hookah, dude.”

“Yeah, that’s all great, but what do you guys think of what they’ve been doing to Jessie this season?” asked Mancuso, who tried reading The Da Vinci Code over the summer but gave up about forty pages in. “To me, there’s been a ton of Christ imagery, making me think they may martyr him off in some way.”

The three absolute halfwits, who have been trying to catch a mouse in their apartment using nothing but Swiss cheese cut into very small triangles, also discussed the show in the context of other television and works of literature, despite the fact that none of the three has any grasp of any other television or works of literature.

“People always talk about The Wire, right,” began Silverberg, who only minutes before the start of the conversation tweeted “Yo Miley Cyrus isnt hot wtf is wrong with you homos #smh.” “And they always compare it to Breaking Bad, but the two shows are definitely really different.  The Wire is really setting up that environment, and Breaking Bad, I mean, it kind of does it too, but it’s more about Walt, you know?  In my opinion.”

“Have you guys ever read Paradise Lost?” asked Mancuso, who himself has only read the first book of Paradise Lost and, before consulting Sparknotes, thought it was about a guy getting fired from his job. “There’s such a Luciferian falling-from-grace component to Walt, and if he’s Lucifer, and Jessie is Adam, and that girlfriend he had who choked on her own puke is Eve, then, you know, that’s kind of a cool thing, I guess, I don’t know.”

Mancuso proceeded to take a giant hit from the hookah.

If there was one thing that the three brain-dead wastes of useable oxygen could agree on, it’s that they all have no idea what’s going to happen on the show’s final installment this Sunday.

“My theory is that Walt is trying to kill Elliot and that other woman, what’s her name…what?…Gretchen, yeah,” theorized Bentford, who still hasn’t figured out how to separate his darks from his lights in the laundry. “But he’s going to fail, and the feds are going to find him, and then, in a callback to the first episode, he takes his own life.”

“See, what I think is, with such an esoteric figure like Walt,” remarked Mancuso, who has no idea what “esoteric” means, “he has to end up alone somehow.  Jessie will be okay, probably, and Skyler will go to jail.”

“It’s gonna be great, though, isn’t it?” concluded Silverberg, whose solid 2.8 GPA will land him a job at an Enterprise Rent-A-Car after graduation. “It’s gonna be sad to have it end.”

The three friends spent the remainder of the night watching Mancuso hijack cars and kill innocent civilians in Grand Theft Auto V, occasionally commenting that it looked “cool.”

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