By now, you’ve probably heard all about the vaunted Buckeyes from An Ohio State University coming to town this weekend. I’ve been told that they have “good players” and a “rabid fanbase that travels crazy well” and a “coach who traded his soul to the devil for a coupla national championships.” And this is all true. They’ve earned their sterling ranking with an undefeated last year and an impressive start to the season.
But I’ve also seen these Buckeyes. I grew up watching these Buckeyes. I know who they truly are. So in the interest in finding some chinks in the scarlet and grey armor,* I thought we’d take a little stroll down memory lane and look at the top three times that OSU blew it in the last ten years:
- 2007 National Championship Game, Florida 41- Ohio State 14: Did you even fucking try, OSU? We were all rooting for you. We hate the SEC. We hate them so fucking much. I can’t even explain how much I hate the SEC. And the only thing I hate more than the SEC? Ohio State, for laying an absolute fucking egg in this game. Actually, that’s too kind. Buckeyes, you literally gathered up a ball of goat shit, threw in a few unicorn tears, called it an egg and laid it in this game. At no point in your rambling, incoherent performance was there anything that could even be considered football. It’s like you showed up in Arizona, took a couple of laxatives and a sleeping pill, and decided to just pass out in your own feces while Chris Leak and Percy Harvin pranced around in the endzone.
- 2008 National Championship, LSU 38- Ohio State 24: And despite the thorough embarrassment that you brought to everyone north of the Mason-Dixon a year earlier, we thought we’d give you all one more chance to try to make things right. And wowwww did the Buckeyes fuck that one up too. Competitive for an entire 14 minutes (!!), An Ohio State University proceeded to buckle at the first sign of pressure and allow a TWO LOSS team to absolutely steam roll them in front of everyone. And don’t get me wrong, it’s super impressive when your QB ends the biggest game of his career with a quarterback rating of 24 and your “star” running back is able to crank out 65 yards on 20 goddamn carries, but I think we all just thought that this time you’d either put up or shut up. And since Lord knows it’s not like the Bucks to shut up about anything ever, I guess I just got my hopes up that maybe you’d act like you even fucking cared about beating the SEC. Don’t know why I did that. But still OSU, you fucked up.
- 2009 Fiesta Bowl: Texas 24- Ohio State 21: I bet Ohio State fans aren’t even mad about this one. I bet by this point they were so used to getting eviscerated before a national audience by an SEC team that a three point loss to a Big 12 foe doesn’t even bother them. Well guess what, Bucks? YOU STILL BLEW IT. Literally three years in a row you had a chance to show something– ANYTHING– on the national stage, and instead you pull this shit. Again. Obviously no one’s surprised (we all remember that “pass interference” call in 2001 btwz), but at this point it just got awkward for everyone. Were we still supposed to pretend that we thought the Buckeyes were a top program? That a Fiesta Bowl win a few years ago against– redundancy alert upcoming– an overrated ND team could cover for the absolute shellacking Ohio State would proceed to take for the next decade? The answer is no. No, we didn’t have to believe any of that anymore. Not after this loss. Not after Ohio blew it again.
*am I allowed to say this? I never found out where we ended up on that