Dear Ohio State,
As you may have noticed, we’re getting pretty excited for An Ohio State University to come to town and play under the lights on national television. Our students may even take a break from studying for their midterms to tailgate on Saturday, although that may be just to pick out which of your visiting fans would make excellent employees for us to lay off once we’re hired after graduation.
Apparently a massive event, referred to only as “Gameday,” is coming to town, bringing a festive experience where Lee Corso attempts to escape the chilling existential dread of his impending death with a seemingly boundless supply of iconoclasm and viagra while Herbie mournfully stares off into the distance, reminiscing about his lost love Erin Andrews and trying to remember how to string two sentences together.
When you see that televised broadcast, Ohio State, be sure and look off into the distance behind Chris Fowler’s shoulder. There, you’ll see a fearsome Wildcat, flanked by Mike Greenberg and George R. R. Martin, grinning savagely and holding up a sign. And on that sign is a message, a message scrawled more vividly than a thousand free tattoos.
And the message reads: “Get Fucked An Ohio State University.”
Seriously, Ohio. Be prepared for Northwestern to dick you over worse than the NCAA covering up its own hypocrisy. Pat Fitzgerald and company are going to come out and ram you like an SEC school in a BCS game.*
Come Saturday night, the students from Ohio are going to experience the worst travesty since Kent State, and OSU’s going to get fucked faster than most Ohio State alums can say (or spell) “tin soldiers and Nixon coming.” The state of Ohio won’t have seen such a vicious campaign since Karl Rove last came to town.
Look, don’t come complaining to us when Tyler Scott and Ibraheim Campbell shut down Braxton Miller worse than even an Ohioan Speaker of the House could manage. I just know that Jordan Hall should be thankful for Obamacare after the beatdown Chi Chi Ariguzo is going to administer him, although Hall might want to look up whether or not having an entire linebacking corps’ appendage in a single orifice is considered a pre-existing condition.
A Brutus hasn’t been facing a fucking this bad since the Battle of Philippi. Please keep in mind that our city’s namesake has killed Indians more deliberately than your city’s namesake. Do you really think a poisonous tree nut will fare much better?
Personally, I’m just excited for Kain Colter to plant his proverbial Buckeye tree in linebacker Curtis Grant while Trevor makes the entire OSU secondary guzzle his Siemian. Hopefully Urban Meyer isn’t too horrified when Northwestern unleashes a string of wanton violence the likes of which he hasn’t seen since Aaron Hernandez graduated. Damien Proby will administer more physical and psychological devastation than Ohio has faced since the crumbling of the state’s automobile industry, and Venric Mark is going to drive right through you like a family of four escaping your shitty state on I-80.
An Ohio State University, Northwestern is about to fuck you over and run you into the ground worse than what any of the eight U.S. presidents your state claims ever did to America. Speaking of presidents from Ohio, I think the only man more corrupt or devoid of emotion than Warren Harding was Jim Tressel, while Rutherford B. Hayes was only slightly more competent than a fellow Ohio State grad.
So get ready, An Ohio State University. Because you’re about to be fucked on Saturday night, in front of a rabid crowd of Northwestern fans and live on television while Brent Musburger provides every excruciating detail of the destruction NU wreaks on your sad, pathetic little school. #GetFuckedAnOhioStateUniversity
*Rumors abound regarding a mythical 2011 Sugar Bowl, but all reports regarding the game have been expunged from the historical record.