3 Oct

Hope OSU isn’t too turned off by NU’s “Two QBs, One Cup” routine

Dear Ohio State,

As you may have noticed, we’re getting pretty excited for An Ohio State University to come to town and play under the lights on national television. Our students may even take a break from studying for their midterms to tailgate on Saturday, although that may be just to pick out which of your visiting fans would make excellent employees for us to lay off once we’re hired after graduation.

Apparently a massive event, referred to only as “Gameday,” is coming to town, bringing a festive experience where Lee Corso attempts to escape the chilling existential dread of his impending death with a seemingly boundless supply of iconoclasm and viagra while Herbie mournfully stares off into the distance, reminiscing about his lost love Erin Andrews and trying to remember how to string two sentences together.

When you see that televised broadcast, Ohio State, be sure and look off into the distance behind Chris Fowler’s shoulder. There, you’ll see a fearsome Wildcat, flanked by Mike Greenberg and George R. R. Martin, grinning savagely and holding up a sign. And on that sign is a message, a message scrawled more vividly than a thousand free tattoos.

And the message reads: “Get Fucked An Ohio State University.”

Seriously, Ohio. Be prepared for Northwestern to dick you over worse than the NCAA covering up its own hypocrisy. Pat Fitzgerald and company are going to come out and ram you like an SEC school in a BCS game.*

Come Saturday night, the students from Ohio are going to experience the worst travesty since Kent State, and OSU’s going to get fucked faster than most Ohio State alums can say (or spell) “tin soldiers and Nixon coming.” The state of Ohio won’t have seen such a vicious campaign since Karl Rove last came to town.

Look, don’t come complaining to us when Tyler Scott and Ibraheim Campbell shut down Braxton Miller worse than even an Ohioan Speaker of the House could manage. I just know that Jordan Hall should be thankful for Obamacare after the beatdown Chi Chi Ariguzo is going to administer him, although Hall might want to look up whether or not having an entire linebacking corps’ appendage in a single orifice is considered a pre-existing condition.

A Brutus hasn’t been facing a fucking this bad since the Battle of Philippi. Please keep in mind that our city’s namesake has killed Indians more deliberately than your city’s namesake. Do you really think a poisonous tree nut will fare much better?

Personally, I’m just excited for Kain Colter to plant his proverbial Buckeye tree in linebacker Curtis Grant while Trevor makes the entire OSU secondary guzzle his Siemian. Hopefully Urban Meyer isn’t too horrified when Northwestern unleashes a string of wanton violence the likes of which he hasn’t seen since Aaron Hernandez graduated. Damien Proby will administer more physical and psychological devastation than Ohio has faced since the crumbling of the state’s automobile industry, and Venric Mark is going to drive right through you like a family of four escaping your shitty state on I-80.

An Ohio State University, Northwestern is about to fuck you over and run you into the ground worse than what any of the eight U.S. presidents your state claims ever did to America. Speaking of presidents from Ohio, I think the only man more corrupt or devoid of emotion than Warren Harding was Jim Tressel, while Rutherford B. Hayes was only slightly more competent than a fellow Ohio State grad.

So get ready, An Ohio State University. Because you’re about to be fucked on Saturday night, in front of a rabid crowd of Northwestern fans and live on television while Brent Musburger provides every excruciating detail of the destruction NU wreaks on your sad, pathetic little school. #GetFuckedAnOhioStateUniversity

Evander Jones


*Rumors abound regarding a mythical 2011 Sugar Bowl, but all reports regarding the game have been expunged from the historical record.

37 Responses to “#GetFuckedAnOhioStateUniversity”

  1. Jack G October 3, 2013 at 11:01 pm #

    So two Buckeye fans, Cletus and Otis, are about to start a 9 hour drive to visit grand dad down in Hazard Ky. Cletus is worried that the turn signal on his pick up is not working properly, and fearing for his safety and the safety of others, he asks Otis to help him check it out. “Otis ” he said, “I want you to stand behind the truck. I’m gonna turn on the turn signal and you tell me if it’s working. Got it? “. “Got it” replied Otis. “OK Otis, I’m turning on the turn signal. Is it working?” yelled Cletus. And Otis replied ” Yes, No, yes, No Yes, No”

  2. Sam Anderson October 4, 2013 at 12:06 am #

    I am currently an Ohio State student and I honestly thought that this was hilariously well written. One suggestion, I think you meant “tragedy” when talking about Kent State. I presume you are talking about the riots, and if not, nothing provides comedic gold like natural disasters. Travesty doesn’t make much sense in context.

    P.S. We are going to beat your ass and all, I just enjoy a good read. Keep it up!

  3. Boods October 4, 2013 at 12:09 pm #


  4. Hayley October 4, 2013 at 1:13 pm #

    Sorry Evander, you don’t have a way with words like The Fake Lantern does. Can’t wait to see your beloved kitty cats get destroyed on Saturday.

  5. Jason October 4, 2013 at 1:14 pm #

    This is an example of what happens when someone thinks they are funny and tries way too hard. So I want to point out a few things. First off, Northwestern will lose on Saturday. This isn’t even a subjective observation or biased opinion. You simply won’t beat Ohio State. Second, your attempts at connecting one funny simile together failed worse than your team will on Saturday (see that’s funny). Also, don’t underestimate how many Ohio State fans will be representing in your shitty town this Saturday. I know you are butt hurt because an OSU grad finger banged your ex at Laselle Power Co. one night but I promise you it’s not your fault. So relax. Take a breather and accept two thing: A. Give up trying to write or attempt comedy (don’t even think about second city)
    B. You’re an absolute turd sandwich
    C. See A and B

    • BuckeyeEmpire (@BuckeyeEmpire) October 4, 2013 at 2:29 pm #

      You forgot about referencing a tragedy such as the Kent State shootings in comparison to a football game as being blatantly pathetic in an attempt for controversy. This is a joke with less substance and more expletives than a Dane Cook stand up.

  6. Dean157799 October 4, 2013 at 2:11 pm #

    Poor Wildcat fans. You must feel cornered like a rattle snake before it bites because this attack of an article will only lead to more embarrassment for your teeny tiny little community college after we kick your ass up and down the gridiron. Get ready for your ass whoopin followed by shame and thoughts of failure. So do us all a favor and shut up, sit down and take your loss, and your 14-59 winning record against The Ohio State University like you always have and always will. You might want to cancel that break from studying because you wont be able to focus come Sunday morning.

  7. katie puharich October 4, 2013 at 2:36 pm #

    Tyler Scott is an Ohioan, native of Warren, Ohio….go tigers and NW

  8. Anon Tip October 4, 2013 at 3:05 pm #

    That is all.

  9. Devin October 4, 2013 at 3:49 pm #

    Rabid NW fans? HAH! You haven’t had a damn sellout all year and the only reason you’re selling out this game is because the best traveling fan base in the country is invading your pathetic excuse of a stadium. We’re the school that turned a stadium over 2,000 miles away into a home game. I am nothing short of bloodthirsty to see Ryan Shazier and others rip Mark in half in front of a bipartisan crowd at best. So have fun tailgating this weekend, the only way to cope with watching your team get put back into place as the “B1G’s academic school” is drinking the pain away.

  10. Mike Cam October 4, 2013 at 3:55 pm #

    Your name is Evander…that is all…

  11. Chris October 4, 2013 at 4:34 pm #

    hey bud the picture you used was in 2008 when we beat you 45-10…I guess you guys at Northwestern aren’t really that smart…

  12. Breck October 4, 2013 at 4:34 pm #

    glad I don’t live in the Midwest. come to cali or Colorado…

    • Nic October 5, 2013 at 8:45 am #

      I live in CO–and have most likely spent more time in CA than you (assuming you don’t live there)–and the Midwest is awesome.

  13. Zach Bosson October 4, 2013 at 4:59 pm #

    You’re a terrible representation of Northwestern; this was poorly written and crude, resulting in it not being funny – at all. If you’re going to try and say Northwestern students are superior at least be a representation of that, otherwise it results in this – a desperate, pathetic, try hard article. #dobetter.

  14. TJ October 4, 2013 at 5:16 pm #

    This is fantastic. I mean besides the fact that nobody has ever heard of one single player from northwestern, it gives OSU some good bulletin board material and will just make a victory that much sweeter. I mean the best part about this game is that you are ranked 16th. I know it’s exciting for your school to finally be ranked, and that it has been well documented that this is literally the biggest game in your schools history (at home), but you are just setting yourself up for disappointment. Also, does someone who is claiming to be so intelligent really need to lace their writing with curse words and silly made up phrases? Anyway, good luck NU. Dont get too scared when it’s 35-0 before the end of the 1st quarter.

    • Jack G October 4, 2013 at 7:23 pm #

      Bulletin Board material. That’s rich. Like anyone on the OSU football team reads Sherman Ave anyway.

  15. Matt October 4, 2013 at 8:03 pm #

    Well done, but the response from The Fake Lantern was better. Get ready for your high school stadium to be taken over by Ohio State fans on Saturday. I can’t wait until they zoom in on your pretty little faces as time winds down in the 4th quarter and your mascara is streaking down your cheeks.

  16. BuckeyeTilIDie October 4, 2013 at 8:20 pm #

    Really?? Referencing the Kent State shootings for comedic effect? Keep writing like that and see if anyone wants to employ you after graduation. Good luck laying off your OSU-alum employees from your parents’ basement!!!!

  17. Nic October 5, 2013 at 8:41 am #

    Wow, this stupid kid must have spent all week researching this paper for all the metaphors & name dropping. If this article was written on softer paper, I’d wipe my ass with it.
    All jokes aside–Ohio State beats Northwestern by 30+. You really think your team, composed of 2…MAYBE 3 star guys can keep pace??! Tonight will be easy. Really easy. The best thing that may happen for the NW nerds is a rain delay to slow/stop the humiliation.

  18. Kurt K October 5, 2013 at 9:19 am #

    Rod Blagojevich

  19. Conner kent October 5, 2013 at 11:04 pm #


  20. TOSU October 5, 2013 at 11:34 pm #

    wait….OSU scored 40 and Northwestern scored 30….is that bad? who won?

    • Evander is a stupid name anyway October 5, 2013 at 11:42 pm #

      Oh no, I guess us dumb Buckeyes don’t know numbers good. All we do is kick Northwestern ass.

  21. Elisabeth R October 5, 2013 at 11:36 pm #

    lolol it’s funny because you lost.

  22. Elisabeth R October 5, 2013 at 11:39 pm #

    “Seriously, Ohio. Be prepared for Northwestern to dick you over worse than the NCAA covering up its own hypocrisy. Pat Fitzgerald and company are going to come out and ram you like an SEC school in a BCS game.*

    Come Saturday night, the students from Ohio are going to experience the worst travesty since Kent State, and OSU’s going to get fucked faster than most Ohio State alums can say (or spell) ‘tin soldiers and Nixon coming.'”

    -We actually didn’t get fucked, fast or slow
    -Tin soldiers and nixon came and fucked YOU.
    -We actually rammed you like a SEC school in a BCS game
    -cute try, asshole.

  23. fjmarsco October 6, 2013 at 12:42 am #


  24. JD Treebeard October 6, 2013 at 1:19 am #

    Good effort, Evander Jones. Maybe a school with a better journalism program would serve you well.

  25. Anon October 6, 2013 at 11:57 am #


  26. cheatsfgfdfdfhom October 6, 2013 at 8:17 pm #

    Hope your throat enjoyed the taste of our balls deep inside it

    • Fuck-Evanston October 23, 2013 at 1:17 pm #

      When will Fitz’s kids move to the Missouri Valley Conference where they belong.. or perhaps the Ivy League. We all know they only lose games because they are studying too hard during the game.


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