“College is Sick” says Northwestern Freshman to State School Friends

“Man I love college!!! And I love drinking!!! And I love women!!! And I love college!!!!”

While other students his age had been frequenting the many local bars their college towns had to offer and sucking shots of Heritage off the flat, pierced stomachs of their peers for a month, Northwestern Freshman Kyle Henderson had been biding his time, Facebook-stalking them all until September 16^th.

Once he had marched through the Arch and hung up his John Belushi “Animal House” poster in his Bobb dorm room, Henderson was ready to “rage” like a college kid and even more ready to tell all of his non-Northwestern friends about it.

“We went to this one frat party off campus,” he told his friend Mark Gillis at Ohio University, who had spent the previous night having Bacardi shot from a super soaker into his mouth by a girl wearing essentially lingerie at the bar two blocks from his dorm.

“This party was so packed you could barely move. Then the cops showed up and told everyone to leave but didn’t give out any tickets, so we all walked in this massive group to a different frat party one street over. We went to like 3 parties that night. It was INSANE dude!”

Henderson also bragged about his Welcome Week experience to his cousin Phil, a sophomore at Penn State.

“A senior offered me a beer from the keg,” he gushed enthusiastically. “And I got a phone number from a girl in Elder. I didn’t even get back to Bobb ‘til like 1:45am.”

Henderson proudly announced to his cousin that he was able to “rally” because “YOLO”.

“I was exhausted and sooo hungover during my ENU the next day but it was worth it,” he bragged. “Plus I have two whole weeks before my first midterm to get smashed every day. College is sick bro.”

Phil had to excuse himself from the conversation when his RA showed up at his door with two hot chicks in crop tops and a fifth of Jose Cuervo.