WASHINGTON DC–According to an official White House release yesterday, President Barack Obama will be using his powers as head of the Executive Branch to perform an unprecedented overhaul of NFL nomenclature, renaming teams after characters in the cartoon series “Care Bears.”
“This entire country is goddamn sick of having to deal with Native Americans and Vikings and Giants and Texans all getting offended every other time some drunk idiot starts a fight with a slur. I’m going to count to five, and when I’m done, you’re all going to stop all this silly business with the names and we’re going to be the Funshine and Rainbows from now on. Do you understand?”
The new logo of the New England Patriotz.
Obama reportedly made team owner Daniel Snyder “sit there and think about all the minorities you’ve offended,” and ordered that when he is done, he and the rest of the Washington Baby Hugs are to go back and apologize to the Oneida tribe.
Public opinion on news of the renaming has been generally supportive. Ohio native Chad Brantley says that a change of name wouldn’t diminish his enjoyment of the sport itself.
“I’ll go watch the Polite Pandas beat the shit out of everyone no matter what their name is,” said Brantley through a mouthful of bacon and beer. “In fact, I’d be pumped if my man Bro-bama would maybe work some My Little Pony characters into the NBA once he’s done with this project.”
Obama is reportedly urging the rest of the NFL to “go out there, and play nice, and do NOT make me call your First Lady.”
Sherman Ave 
Tebow lands with Patriots
“Anything we do is what we feel is in the best interest of the team,” Belichick said.
“Tim is a talented player, smart, works hard, so we’ll see how it goes.”
Tebow, who chose to wear his high school uniform number (5), wasn’t nearly as guarded. In his first extremely brief comments in a Patriots’ practice uniform Tuesday after the opening day of minicamp wrapped up,
Tebow said he was glad to have a chance with New England.
“First and foremost, I just want to thank the Patriots for giving me an opportunity. I’m very thankful,” said Tebow.
“It’s such an honor to be a Patriot and play for coach (Bill) Belichick and (offensive coordinator Josh) McDaniels, and learn under (quarterback) Tom (Brady), and be a part of this great franchise and very successful franchise.”
Running back Ahmad Bradshaw joined the Indianapolis Colts on Tuesday
with a chance to seize the team’s leadback role from an uncertain group. The team has agreed to a oneyear contract with the former New York Giants back.
The Daily News has obtained details and artist renderings of some of the major plans for “Super Bowl Boulevard,” a footballthemed spectacle between 34th and 44th Streets. Broadway will feature an eightlane, 180foot long, 58foothigh toboggan run equipped to handle up to 1,000 riders an hour. Planned for between 40th and 41st Sts., the run is scheduled to be open from Jan. 29 to Feb. 1, the day before Super Bowl XLVIII is played at MetLife Stadium.
Construction of the San Francisco 49ers new stadium in Santa Clara, Ca., was halted Tuesday morning after a worker died in an elevator shaft.
Santa Clara police Lt. local time. The new $1.3 billion venue, called Levi’s Stadium, is expected to open in 2014.
“The 49ers organization was deeply saddened to learn this morning of the news at the construction site,” the team said in
a statement. “Our thoughts and prayers are with the family, friends and coworkers affected by this tragedy. The 49ers family has lost a teammate today.”
Rather than accept a reduced salary to remain with the Baltimore Ravens,
fullback Vonta Leach opted for his outright release Tuesday.
Leach played two seasons (201112) with the Ravens and was named to the Pro Bowl both
years. In 2012, the Ravens scored the most points (398) and produced the secondmost total yards per game (352.5) in franchise
history.
To replace Leach on the roster, the Ravens resigned tight end Billy Bajema.
Knee surgery will sideline middle linebacker Chad Greenway for the remainder of
Minnesota Vikings’ offseason workouts.
The team’s leading tackler for each of the past five seasons, Greenway
is scheduled for arthroscopic surgery Wednesday.
He was absent Tuesday from the team’s eighth voluntary organized team activity (OTA) session.
Tight end Kellen Winslow, Jr. had a tryout with the New York Jets on Tuesday.
Winslow, who played in one game for the New England Patriots last season, had less than 24 hours to review the playbook but said he’s
comfortable with the West Coast style of offense the Jets run.
Cincinnati Bengals cornerback Adam “Pacman” Jones pleaded not guilty to assault charges after police say he tried to hurt a woman,
according to multiple reports.
A police complaint says the 29yearold Jones is accused
of hitting a Cincinnati woman shortly before midnight June 5,
resulting in minor injuries. His agent, Peter Schaffer, told ESPN NFL
Insider Adam Schefter on Monday that two drunk women approached Jones and wanted to have their picture taken with him last Wednesday.
When he declined, one woman threw a beer bottle at him and
was then slapped by Jones.
Tight end Evan Rodriguez was claimed by the Miami Dolphins off
waivers from the Chicago Bears.
The Dolphins waived running back Rupert Bryan to create a
roster spot.
Defensive tackle Sedrick Ellis, one of the biggest remaining free
agents, has found a home with the Chicago Bears.
Ellis, 27, agreed to a oneyear deal after compiling 173 tackles and 12.5 sacks in five seasons with the New Orleans Saints,
who selected him seventh overall in 2008.