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NAMBLA Applauds CPS’s Achievement in Screwing Kids

16 Oct

CHICAGO-Pandemonium reigned today when a meeting between Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel and officials from Chicago Public Schools was interrupted by a group of supporters from the National Man Boy Love Association (NAMBLA).

“Yeah!” The assembled 37 ‘Lovers of Young Men’ shouted. “Give it to those kids!”

The NAMBLAites reported that they were at the meeting to express their support for the Mayor’s decision to recently close 50 Chicago schools. Local Chicago NAMBLA spokesman Joseph Fridbaker stated: “I’ve never seen anybody fuck so many kids at once. I mean, we’re talking thousands. It really is a remarkable achievement.”

Disclaimer: He's probably not in NAMBLA.

Disclaimer: He’s probably not in NAMBLA.

The members of NAMBLA were invited to leave, but expressed confusion about why their presence was seen as inappropriate by the board members of CPS. Asking the board to accept NAMBLA’s support, the members chanted, “We’re all the same here” while gyrating their hips.

“It was so uncomfortable,” said Chris Peterson, a local superintendent. “One of them made his way up to the podium and as he talked the whole thing started shaking and… yeah. You understand what I’m saying.”

“I don’t support fucking kids,” Peterson added.

Upon being escorted from the premises by security, Fridbaker continued to express confusion. Fridbaker drew attention to the case of John Martinez, an 8-year old boy who has to walk 4-miles across gang lines to get to the closest, overcrowded public school since the closings.

“That kid looks like he’s getting fucked pretty good to me,” said Fridbaker as he grabbed his crotch. Whether this was a sinister gesture or he was simply attending to an itch was unclear as of press time, but I mean I think we all know what was happening here.

Many teachers objected to Fridbaker’s use of John Martinez, pointing out that they had opened up several Charter Schools in the wake of the closings.

“Ohhhh yeah,” said Fridbaker as he moved his neck back and forth in an objectively uncomfortable manner. “The waiting list. Now you guys are speaking my language.”

Even after being escorted out of the building, Fridbaker says he holds no ill-will.

“It can take a lot of courage to just screw a bunch of kids,” Fridbaker stated as he rubbed his crotch, this time his intentions unmistakable.

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