Jesus Speaks Out About Kanye West’s New Tour

24 Oct

From left to right: Jesus, Kanye. Or maybe it’s the other way around? Too tough to tell.

Chicago rapper/producer/water bottle enthusiast Kanye West began his first solo tour in five years at the Key Arena in Seattle, Wash., Saturday, sparking some controversy.

The premiere Yeezus show displayed the artist’s typically grandiose style, with a flurry of tirades from ‘Ye, a freshly baked croissant stand, and a series of cameos that included a Jesus impersonator decked out in the Messiah’s signature robes. Responses to the first performance were divisive.

“Having Kanye be onstage with that Jesus guy was so inspirational because it taught me that there’s nothing wrong with saying no to the haters and just being myself—that is, an all-consuming megalomaniac with a God complex,” said 12-year-old concertgoer Libby Rafael, insisting afterward that everyone should totes favorite her selfies on Instagram.

Other attendees, including Actual Jesus Christ, were not so thrilled.

“I’m kind of steamed about the whole thing,” Actual Jesus said Monday, adding an unnecessary “honestly” at the beginning of all of his comments.

His public response followed a series of tweets He had sent out over the weekend from His account @RealChristOfficial, which included “@kanyewest I LIKE YOU, YOU KNOW ME, I AM EVER-PRESENT IN LIFE” and “YE HIRED SOME EDWARD SHARPE LOOKING JUDAS TO REPLACE ME!! #NODISRESPECTTOEDWARDSHARPE #ALLDISRESPECTTOKANYE!!!”

His most Holy twitter tirade, now deleted but thankfully archived in screen caps over at Buzzfeed, was brought on by the increasingly jealously driven competition between West and Christ, a relationship never more apparent than on the Yeezus album track “I Am a God (feat. God).”

“I remember asking ‘What up?’ when I first met with Kanye for our collaboration on Yeezus back in June,” Jesus told the press Monday. “He responded, ‘Shit, I’m chillin’/Tryin’ stack these millions’… and then he started throwing money at me and screaming. It was very unpleasant and I quickly ascended into Heaven after that.”

Christ, who formerly made an appearance on West’s 2004 hit single “Jesus Walks,” was additionally “miffed” he wasn’t asked to go on tour with ‘Ye, considering the success of their past musical endeavors and West’s propensity to drop His Holy Name on Yeezus.

“It seems like the more privilege, name recognition and leather jogging pants money Kanye gets, the farther behind he leaves his true friends and musical strengths,” said Our Light of the World. “Also, he won’t stop calling me Rick Rubin.”

For now, the Yeezus tour is facing considerable delays in cities like Vancouver, with some citing issues with the elaborate set for the show, though He Who Must Not Be Named had some other ideas about the postponements.

“Am I using my awesome powers for Holy Retribution? I’ll never tell,” said Jesus, before angrily casting a reporter from Pitchfork Media down into the bowels of Hell.

–Lumberjack Steve

One Response to “Jesus Speaks Out About Kanye West’s New Tour”


  1. 5 Spectacularly Awful Sci–Fi/ Fantasy Character Names | Sherman Ave - December 12, 2013

    […] small caveat, I haven’t read any of Suzanne Collins’ wildly popular Hunger Games trilogy, but, Jesus Christ, that name is the epitome of heinous in any context. Here we have a shadowy, sadistic figure of […]

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