Northwestern Chemistry Department to be Kicked Off Campus

25 Oct
Students entering the Hippocratic pledge process.

Students entering the Hippocratic pledge process.

EVANSTON–Citing the highly publicized recent death of a Northwestern University sophomore’s social life, The Interfraternity Council has announced its intention to open an investigation into homework-related hazing at the hands of Northwestern University Chemistry Professors.

The announcement came as little surprise, as suspicions have long swirled that the Northwestern Chemistry Professors practice severe hazing.  Rumored hazing rituals include depriving students of sleep, trapping students in an enclosed room and forcing them to memorize senseless facts, and even keeping pre-meds in Tech for days at a time.

The current charge against NU’s Chemistry Department stands as depriving sophomore Ellen Bloom of social interactions for an entire year. As a result, this once remarkable and lively girl will never be able to make eye contact, hold an interesting conversation, or feel the warmth of friendship ever again, instead damned to a life of thoughtless busywork and pointless research on mice.

We sat down with another one of the Chemistry Department hazing victims to ask about his experiences.  The student, who asked to remain unnamed, had this to say: “Sometimes they have Lock-Ins where they don’t let you leave.  One time I arrived at Tech at noon for a six-hour lab.  Then I had a two-hour Orgo exam. After that, my professor told me he needed me for three more hours to help clean the test tubes.  I started to protest but he subtly mentioned he may not write my recommendation…I was powerless.”

The investigation comes as Northwestern has instituted extremely strict hazing regulations.  Time and again the NU administration has prosecuted Fraternities for abusing their pledges, and will not lightly punish this particular case of binge learning.

“A student has completely lost her social life, revealing just how unforgiving the Chemistry Department’s hazing rituals can be,” an emotional Burgie Howard said at a Monday news conference. “The department has acted with blatant disregard to IFC standards and is finally answering for its violations.”

IFC has seized this opportunity to possibly suspend the Chemistry Department.  The professors, however, are desperately contesting this decision.

One commented on the tragedy: “We never made Ellen learn.  We never make anyone learn.  Every student that learns here does it because they want to.  Many studies even show that the most loyal alumni are the ones who learned the most.”

The Chemistry Department is continuing to protect their name, and even make amends with IFC.  In an effort to build up a good relationship with the administration, Chemistry professors have begun increasing philanthropy events and fundraisers.  The money will go directly to Northwestern’s Qatar campus, where it will never be seen again.

The University’s investigation has revealed a number of shocking practices that do not help the case of the Department.  One Weinberg student, who asked to remain unnamed for fear of reprisal, confessed he felt a similar decay in social ability: “I never stop studying.  We have a year’s worth of work to learn in one week.  The only way I can stay on top of my work is by drinking coffee all the time.  One time I drank so much I puked, but I had to keep drinking or else the professors were going to punish me…”

Our source proceeded to look at the floor as if recalling some horrific memory. After taking a few second to gather himself he continued, “Sometimes they just play mind games, like one time a senior Professor told me to study 34 separate organic reactions because he may or may not put one on the final. He also made it very clear that I could not question him.”

The magnitude of the situation has demanded the oversight of the beloved Patricia Telles-Irvin, Vice President of Student Affairs.  She released this public statement: “As is our standard procedure, we will conduct a thorough and fair investigation and then kick the Chem Department off campus either way.”  Spectators anxiously await the pending justice she has promised.

-Pip Sleazy

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