The Top 5 Reasons Why Hot Cookie Bar Is Awful

25 Oct

Honestly, can we just acknowledge that hot cookie bar is awful? Not just for your body, but like, for your soul. It’s a seriously wretched thing, tantamount to the events portrayed in the 2004 blockbuster smash, Hotel Rwanda. I don’t need any of you basic bitches telling me that I am wrong, because I know that I am correct in this matter. While it is true that I do hate things that are universally loved (ex. puppies, bubble wrap, a baby’s laugh), I implore you to listen to the top 5 reasons why Hot Cookie Bar is bullshit.

Reason #1: Hot Cookie Bar (Which will now be referred to as HCB in the article in order to make it sound like a STI) is an excuse to act unhealthy without shame. People’s shame keeps HCB up and running. Which is understandable, because people are shameful. But you have to embrace the shame which makes you human. For instance, I smoked meth the other day. M-E-T-H. Am I ashamed? Hell yeah! But I own that shit because I ain’t no chump.

This should be cooked more.

This should be baked more.

Reason #2: Excluding that vegan stuff — because I’m not about that life — the dining halls have typically good dessert options. Today, my friend had a Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal bar. Yesterday, I ate a Luck Charms Rice Krispie treat. A while back, I had an Oreo cake. Motherfucking OREO CAKE. I’ll take that over HCB any day. And you would too, if you’re not a chump.

Reason #3: nuCuisine uses HCB as a crutch. Okay, I will admit to not having any scientific evidence to back this up, but I am under the impression that when HCB is in a certain dining hall, nuCuisine prepares intentionally subpar dishes. Next time there’s a HCB in the dining hall where you’re eating, tell me if you notice these familiar dishes:  Tilapia Poutine, Zebra Fajitas, and Curried Dolphin Testicles. All in all, nuCuisine needs to step up their game during HCB unless, of course, they are chumps.

Reason #4: It’s just not that good. Listen, I’ve eaten cookie before. I do have a grandma, after all. I like cookies. Cookies are good. WHEN COOKED TO COMPLETION THE WAY THEY ARE INTENDED TO BE. Never do I say “Hey, you know what I want as a little treat? Half baked cookies with an assortment of crushed candies and ice cream covered in sauces drizzled in sauce and topped with whipped topping.” Never has that phrase been uttered. Not in my America. Fucking chumps.

Reason #5: Finally, the last reason why HCB is BS is its inclusion of Oatmeal Raisin cookies. I think it is universally acknowledged that Oatmeal Raisin is an inferior cookie. If cookies were granted sentience, I am 100% assure that they would draft some “separate but equal” laws against Oatmeal Raisin cookies. We, as humans, would not be like “that mirrors our treatment of African Americans. I guess it’s sad that when granted life, we see that cookies fall into the same patterns as humanity. This is truly an indictment of our society and the horrors of our souls.” We’d be like “Yeah, I agree with that.” Oatmeal Raisin is truly the disappointment of the cookie world. Without its inclusion, I would have been more lenient on HCB. However, HCB, as an entity, is a chump.

5 Responses to “The Top 5 Reasons Why Hot Cookie Bar Is Awful”

  1. Zoidberg October 25, 2013 at 4:17 pm #

    This article is bad, and you should feel bad.

  2. Anonymous whiny person October 25, 2013 at 4:32 pm #

    “things that are universally love”
    “Luck Charms”
    “Fucking, chumps.”
    “That’s mirrors our treatment”

    I’m with Zoidberg on this one. Come on, Ave.

    Except the part about oatmeal raisin cookies. Oatmeal raisin cookies the worst.

  3. Cookie Monster October 25, 2013 at 11:25 pm #

    this article doesn’t make any sense…hot cookie bar is amazing, half baked cookies are full awesome. did you just learn the word “chump”? next time be funny when you are trying to be funny.

    • Darth Vader October 27, 2013 at 2:10 am #


  4. Steve October 27, 2013 at 12:12 pm #

    Hot cookie bar is literally the only thing standing between me and suicide.

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