The Strangely Articulate Inner Monologue of My Drunk Roommate

28 Oct

Oh my, I seem to be rather intoxicated. I don’t recall this hallway being so long—or quite so blurry. My journey back from that delightful fraternity gathering was a trying one, indeed! Ah well, here we are at my dormitory. Room 204. Splendid. Now if I could just fit the key into the lock…hm, how peculiar my fine motor skills seem to be failing me at this moment in time. I suppose that 9th Jolly Rancher shot was not one of my brightest ideas! Ha! Ha! Wait…I think I hear my lovely roommate coming to my assistance. I should probably immediately notify her of my current state of intoxication!

*slurring* “I’m sssssoo drunk!”

That went well. I gather that I should make my way through the threshold and meander over to my bed right about now. What…what’s this? My center of gravity is exceedingly off! Why will my feet not oblige? Damn those poisons! Hitherto ‘twas delectable…

Joy! My co-tenant has come to aid me yet again. Ah, at last, I’ve made it to my destination.

Now, if I could only release myself from these damn clothes! How constricting this denim can be. I suppose I should strip to be completely in the nude. Yes, that sounds lovely. Ah, again, I should inform my chamber mate of my planned antics so my bare arse doesn’t alarm her. 

*laughing* “Heeeeee, I’m naaaaked.”

Why, my linens appear so comfortable. Oh bed! You temptress! I suppose dressing for bed is quite a silly idea, anyhow. Henceforth, slumbering completely unclothed is truly the most logical option, for it is getting to be quite late…dawn is nigh!

How agreeable these plush cushions are! How delightful my fair mattress is! How pleasant and cozy—ah, what’s this? It seems my roommate has uttered something?

“You don’t look so good… Are you feeling okay?”

Oh dear…now that she has planted the seed of the thought in my mind, I do feel quite ill. The juices of my stomach churn violently. The bitterest taste forms on the underside of my tongue. The room—it spins! Alas, I have no bucket of sorts to expel vomitus!

*rushed slur* “Trashcan!!”

Marvelous. The bucket in question came to my side in the nick of time. Abhorrent bile meets the crumpled papers and empty cans that reside in the bin of rubbish. Ah, how much better I feel. I can slumber at last.

Sleep, my dearest friend, take me away.

-Charlotte Clunt

3 Responses to “The Strangely Articulate Inner Monologue of My Drunk Roommate”

  1. Danielle October 28, 2013 at 10:38 pm #

    fucking hysterical

  2. Jackie October 28, 2013 at 11:07 pm #

    lmaooo i love you ❤ ive been waiting to read this


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