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Rose Returns, D Rises

30 Oct
Rose, addressing concerns regarding his performance anxiety.

Rose, addressing concerns regarding his performance anxiety.

CHICAGO–After nearly 15 months of intense rehabilitation and sitting on the sidelines, Derrick Rose has made his return to the NBA. Despite a lukewarm 4-for-15 12-point performance last night against the defending champion Miami Heat, the Chicago Bull’s most beloved athlete looks better than ever after leading the Bulls to an undefeated 8-0 record in the preseason.

Basketball fans across the world have been ecstatic to see Rose back in form, but none are happier than Robert Spizziri, a local Rose fanatic from Lincoln Park. Spizziri claims to have regained his sexual potency as a result of the long-awaited return of D-Rose. After Rose’s exasperated ACL said “fuck this shit” and tore to shreds in the 2012 playoffs, Spizziri was diagnosed with what doctors now call ESIED, short for Episodic Stress-Induced Erectile Dysfunction. Spizziri found it extremely difficult to cope with his rare diagnosis:

“It just stopped working. I… I don’t know. I tried to watch his videos on the internet, but it just wasn’t the same.”

Skeptics might question how any person could possibly have such an intense hard-on for a professional athlete; so much so that it would lead to their failure to achieve an erection in the player’s absence from the sport. A defensive Spizziri explained his unique situation:

“I don’t know, there’s just something so incredibly arousing about seeing D-Rose split two defenders and do a 360 windmill while tea-bagging a 7-footer in mid-air. When Derrick suffered a loss of strength, endurance, and explosiveness to the hole, I did too!”

When asked why he could not project his passion onto another Chicago athlete, Spizziri voiced some universal opinions:

“Nate Robinson? Are you kidding me? That little chode only played like 3 good games last year! Don’t even get me started on Jay Cutler, that guy’s attitude would make any man flaccid.”

Citizens are advised to stand at least 3 feet away from Spizziri when the Bulls take on the New York Knicks for tomorrow night’s home opener.

-Phil Dickelson

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