Candyless Schapiro Reminds Trick-or-Treaters About New Student Center

31 Oct

Pictured: Schapiro, just trying to manage the University’s goddamn money, okay?

EVANSTON, Ill. — Northwestern University President Morton O. Schapiro reportedly attempted to comfort disappointed trick-or-treaters at his home by reminding them that a new student center is probably going to be built in the next 20 years.

“There there, children,” said Schapiro softly. “We understand that you’re disappointed we don’t have any candy for you. But this new student center is going to revitalize Northwestern’s campus and bring it to the next level of elite universities.”

Upon being challenged by 9-year-old Eddie Hopkins, who claimed that Schapiro still has clearly enough money to “just buy two frickin’ bags of Starbursts,” Schapiro responded in frustration.

“I mean, you guys clearly lack any fundamental understanding of the economics of education,” said Schapiro. “Did you take my class?”

As of press time, Hopkins and his four companions are headed to the SESP Office in Annenberg to hit the “mother lode” of free candy.

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