25 Things To Do At Starbucks Besides Ordering Coffee

1. Browse the CDs for sale and contemplate how far Fiona Apple has fallen.

   

   Fuck with the baristas. Fiona would want it that way.

2. Consider who actually even buys CDs anymore.

3. Pretend to be foreign and convinced that Starbucks is, in fact, a bank.  Become angry when they will not allow you to make a withdrawal.

4. Nap.

5. Pack a lunch.

6. Bring your own coffee.

7. After completing #4-6, come up to the counter and ask for the Wi-Fi password.

8. Take an enormous shit.

9. Ingest horse tranquilizers 30 minutes before they close.  Pass out.

10. Ask the person at the counter to point you to the nearest Caribou Coffee.

11. Bring in a heavily dog-eared copy of The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.  Alternate between a) murmuring softly to yourself while following the text with your index finger, and b) actually LOLing.

12. Attempt to spend what are clearly counterfeited “$tarbucks.”

13. Pay for anything with pennies.

14. Tape a single sardine in a discreet location.

    

    Never underestimate the power of a well-placed sardine.

15. Ask someone if the empty chair across from him/her is taken.  Breathe a sigh of relief when they say no, and then walk away.

16. Repeat #15 the following day, but this time simply respond with a “Nice!” and go for a high five.  Again, walk away.

17. Buy that Fiona Apple CD.  Sit down at a table with your laptop and listen to it loudly.

18. During #17, cry.

19. After #18, attempt to return it and explain that it “didn’t really do that much for me.”

20. Ask the barista if she/he will write a letter of recommendation for you.  Explain that you are applying for a barista job at Panera.

21. Pretend to fall asleep and have night terrors.  Or, if you actually suffer from night terrors, simply fall asleep.

22. Pretend to have never heard of soy milk and have the barista explain it to you.

23. Buy a single banana.  Eat it at a table across the room while making direct eye contact with anyone at the counter.  Leave the peel on the floor right inside the entrance.  Repeat until someone says something.

    

    Bananas can easily be made awkward and hazardous.

24. Come in wearing roller skates.  Bonus points if you’ve never actually roller skated before.

25. Sit down with a single sheet of paper and a pen.  Write out a list of names, fictional or otherwise.  Cross two off, and then leave the list on the table.  Walk out.