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The Twelve Worst Things People Say to Northwestern Students

4 Nov

1. “What’s it like going to school in Boston?”
It’s Northwestern, not that other school in Boston. You know, “Chicago’s Big Ten Team?”

2. “How many times have you been to the NCAA tournament?”
Who’s really counting these days (#me #shame #depression)? Anyway, Chris Collins is going to take us to the Promised Land within the next two years, and there’s like a million other sports in which we’re bomb-ass.

3. “Son, your mother and I are getting a divorce.”
Seriously? Have you seen our ACT scores?

4. “Northwestern? More like nerd-western.”
Ok, ok, we are a studious bunch. But that doesn’t mean we don’t like to play hard, too.

5. “What’s a divorce? It’s a separation. Marriage over. I don’t know how else to explain it. It’s like if Bert and Ernie split up. Your mom and I are doing that.” 

Coach Fitz is not going anywhere. Texas, USC? He’s ours. #sorrynotsorry

6. “Why are we splitting up? Well, remember how we had Pip, but he wouldn’t stop peeing on you at night and we had to give him away? That’s sort of why I’m moving out. Our marriage is like a puppy that can’t be housetrained—it’s not cute anymore, it just makes us gag.”

7. “What classes are you taking this semester?”
None, thank you, because we’re on a quarter system.

8. “I guess the love just ran out between your mom and me, kiddo. Don’t worry, I still love you. It’s just going to be a little different now in our family.” 
PA groups are just glorified gangs, right?

9. “You know it’s cold in Chicago, right?”
Oh. I didn’t realize why it hurt to go pants-less from November through April, but now I know.

10. “What’s that? … Well, don’t put it that way, but yes. We’ll be divorced forever.” 
We miss you, Keg. See you in heaven.

11. “Northwestern? There’s great journalism there–is that what you study?”
No, I’m in Weinberg. Liberal Arts and proud. Like most of us, actually. Wait, do you want fries with that?

12. “I’ll see you next Tuesday. Want to go to a game and eat cracker jacks? Oh, right, the Goddamn peanut allergy—no cursing, I know Deborah! I forgot for a second! Sorry heir Deborah, here’s my salute! Hail Deborah! Fine! Fine. I’m gone. Bye.”

There you go—some of the worst things people say to NU students. It’s hard to choose which one is the most cringe-worthy. Go ‘Cats!

-Scurvy Jacobson

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