CHICAGO– A visibly bloody Pat Fitzgerald said Wednesday that the red splotches on Northwestern’s American-flag themed uniforms are “just paint” and “people need to stop asking questions they don’t want the answer to.
“I’m going to say this once and I’m going to say it clearly: those are just paint splatters on the helmet. If you know what’s good for you, you’ll leave it at that,” Fitz said as he washed a red, thick liquid from his hands.
The uniforms sparked controversy after some observers noticed that the red splatters on the white stripes look like bloodstains. Also cause Deadspin.
Fitz rejected those allegations and implored reporters to “hand me those jugs of liquid ammonia I just bought” before disappearing into his backyard.
When pressed to explain where a team trainer who was last seen in the equipment room right before Fitz went in was, the coach responded by throwing a brick through the window of the question-asker with a note that said “Watch out or you’ll be next.”
“Just leave this story alone,” Fitz added, “and things will work out just fine. Like I said, it’s just paint, ok?”
Editor’s note: As some of our devoted readers brought to our attention, this article is very similar to an Onion piece published last month. Go read that, it’s a good #humor piece. Good job Onion. Much impress very wow.