5 Leaked Employee Manuals that will Surprise Zero Northwestern Students

7 Nov

Sherman Ave has just received five of the most exclusive Employee Manuals from the greater Evanston area.  Finally, accurate and completely authentic manuals that explain some the most irrational of behaviors.

1.) Northwestern Construction Worker

"I don't let Biology tell ME who's nocturnal!"

“I don’t let Biology tell ME who’s nocturnal!”

What constitutes a truly great Northwestern construction worker is their unparalleled ability to disrupt the Circadian Rhythm.  You can hold your head high knowing that no construction team is more accurate when it comes to confirming that the majority of students are in Stage 4 REM before commencement.  Remember, if you can see the sunrise it is already too late.  It is vital that you start at this ungodly hour because if you don’t you may not be home by 11 am to watch re-runs of Judge Judy.  We are also working on publicity. To combat our fear of becoming irrelevant you will use our loudest equipment during prime class hours.  Last year the students in Frances-Searle only sent in 11 noise complaints. We know you can do better! So get loud and proud and go build that 4-story eye sore before Northwestern realizes lakeside property is meant for leisure!

2.) Norris Mac Repair

When a customer presents a broken laptop ask, “Have you tried turning it off and on again?”   Be very clear about this-it’s all you’ve got.  99% of the time that will not be the problem, but it was worth a try.  Once that has failed, make sure it’s awkward.  Do not let the customer feel comfortable enough to realize that you have no idea how to fix anything.  If they start to prod at your shallow knowledge of computers just start to ask menial questions such as “How long have you had this computer?” or “Which model is it?”  And the crowd favorite “Do you charge it overnight?”  (Is this actually a bad thing? We have no idea.)

If you have successfully wasted 20-30 minutes of the customer’s time then it is finally time to make the decision to send it in.  The customer will not be happy, but if you did your job right, they will just want to leave.

3.) Burger King Cashier

When a customer approaches you, make sure you make eye contact.  But do not just make eye contact, gaze into their soul.  Force them to see all the pain and suffering you have been through.  The shit you’ve seen…it would destroy a lesser man. The screaming, the lives lost, and the fact that there was nothing you could do but watch. Once your eyes have successfully communicated these insufferable experiences take their order. No matter what they order give a look that says, “Of course you would order that…” After this order yell into the microphone in a language only veteran BK employees could understand.  Now run away from the register before the customer can ask for sauce or ice water.

4.) Evanston Police Department

"I can't believe how much good I do in this town."

“I can’t believe how much good I do in this town.”

It is your job to carry on Evanston’s proud tradition of never having any fun.  It is rumored that some of the robots over at Northwestern think that it is okay to consume alcohol.  Do not give them this gratification of having a regular college experience. Make sure you post up outside every single party location four nights a week.  I know what you’re probably thinking, “But the crime rate in western Evanston is being compared to that of some southern Chicago suburbs, shouldn’t we patrol those areas?”  That’s none of your business.  How would the taxpayers of Evanston feel if they knew that any less than 100% of their tax dollars were going to end the consumption of Satanic beverages?  Keep your “rational” thoughts to yourself, McFalley.

5.) President of Northwestern University

Don't ever change.

Don’t ever change.

This is it.  You tamed wild tigers in India, co-wrote the latest James Bond script, and even served as CEO for three fortune 500 companies. But now you are at the top, you are the president of Northwestern University.  Here are your expectations:  Do not hesitate in conversation.  Be able to talk about anything that happened ever.  Curse, but only if it sounds perfectly natural.  Always wear Purple.  Have eyes that outshine Polaris.  Never have anything more or less than a stubble.  If you walk into a room, everyone must notice.  Never let anyone see you use the bathroom.  Read four books a day.  Do not bleed.

If you can meet these expectations you should already know what to do.

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