EVANSTON, Ill. – Months after first outlining a plan to upgrade parking, student common space and athletic facilities, Northwestern University today announced that the buildings in all of these projects will be modeled directly after the Norris University Center.
“I don’t know that I would say ‘modeled after,” said University President Morton Schapiro. “I would probably say that they are going to be exact replicas. Like, we are building more Norrises. That shit’s literally going to happen.”
The move comes as a surprise to many when considering the recent student outcry over the faults of the current University Center. Student Tyler Francis (SESP ’16) gave insight into student complaints regarding Norris.
“Dude, have you ever been to Norris?” said Francis. “No, no, no, wait. Have you ever LOOKED at Norris? Like, have you observed it objectively? Even the outside. It looks like a dirty prison. And the inside is dark and smells like old people.”
The athletic facilities upgrade has been long awaited by fans of the Wildcats, particularly regarding the status of Welsh-Ryan as a functioning place to hold a gathering of more than 14 people. The “New Norris” is expected to be retrofitted with a weight room and a Starbucks that sells exclusively Gatorade and Jim Phillips’ tears.
Upon hearing news of the announced facilities, former head coach Bill Carmody said, “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.”
While the exact timetable of the project is still uncertain, VP for Student Affairs said she “hopes the facilities can be depressing students and scaring away recruits by 2018, or two years before the last frat is forcibly removed from Northwe-DID I HEAR SOMEONE HAVING FUN?? WHERE. STOP THIS INSTANT.”
When asked what function a parking center modeled after Norris would serve, Schapiro’s eyes grew large before yelling, “Some men just want to watch the world BURN! BURRRNNNN IT ALL DOOOWWWNNNNNNN!”