EVANSTON, Ill. – Following the news that “AirHop”, a Northwestern Student Holdings business that transports students to and from the airport, will be providing rides to and from the Mark II Lounge every Thursday night for $5 each way, an anonymous representative from Box Co. referred to AirHop’s deuce rides as “a cheap attempt to move up in the rankings.”
“Get over yourselves, AirHop. You’re never going to be top tier,” the Box Co. rep said. “Why don’t you just give up and go back to butt-fucking each other in the O’Hare Wolfgang Puck Express?”
An anonymous spokesperson for NU student-run company Project Cookie echoed Box Co.’s sentiments.
“AirHop has been middle tier for a while and definitely won’t be moving up anytime soon,” he said. “It’s just pathetic how much they self-promote. Deuce rides or not, they’re barely above NU Tutors.”
The Project Cookie spokesperson also claimed that Project Cookie’s plans to sell marijuana infused cookies– announced early Monday morning– are definitely not related to AirHop’s Deuce ride service. Rumors of Wildcat Express Delivery’s developing alcohol delivery service have not been confirmed.
CollegiateACB, an online college gossip forum created by the spawn of Satan as a side project, sheds some light on the student business rankings dispute.
Evidently, since CollegiateACB is a trustworthy website representing the unanimous opinions of the entire student body, Box Co., Campus Solutions, and Project Cookie are the reigning “top tier” student run companies. AirHop falls just out of the “top tier” and, according to the anonymous Box Co. rep, the rest are “irrelevant”. Although one contributor to the forum claimed that “NU Tutors is actually pretty hot this year” the post was disregarded as “pathetic self-promotion from a permanently bottom tier company.”