Freshman Launches “March Through Her Arch” To Convince Prospies To Commit To NU

17 Nov

Earlier this week, freshman Hailey Sutten reported an estimated 2000 male students from the class of 2018 have pledged to apply to Northwestern early decision due to  her sexual generosity. Sutten, a Biology major with a focus in anatomy, created the prospective student program March through Her Arch earlier this month in hopes of recruiting students who are aroused, yet curious, at the idea of attending Northwestern.

“You know, I just felt like I needed to show our prospective students what social life at Northwestern is really like. I just did it the best way I know how,” said Sutten in between puffs of a cigarette on the corner of Sherman and University.

Over the course of a month, March through Her Arch has garnered tremendous attention from prospective students who consider Northwestern a top choice in their future college plans. Fearing that these students would squander a rugged taste of the true Northwestern experience, Sutten aimed to establish a non-profit organization specializing in an emotionally and physically pleasurable on-campus experience. She attributes the newfound success to her hands-on approach and little tips and tricks she has learned in her short time as a freshman.

Confused prospies reportedly marched through this arch, asking if this is what sex is.

Confused prospies reportedly marched through this arch, asking if this is what sex is.

“At first, running the program by myself was really difficult. Sometimes I would have to handle two, even three students at a time. But, you build up endurance and tolerance. I’m very comfortable in myself and my abilities. I also met a lot of really instructive upperclassmen at frat parties during Wildcat Welcome. They really showed me their ropes. It’s just really rewarding. I’ve touched these young men, and they’ve touched me,” said Sutton in an interview as she ushered a dozen dazed students out of her Bobb dormitory room.

Excited by what March through Her Arch offers to a new student body, Sutten’s classmates also wish to involve themselves in the charitable cause.

“I really love that Hailey had the confidence to start this program. She’s just doing what we all want to be doing: helping people,” said Medill freshman Hanna Weiss. “I feel like I can give so much of myself to these prospective students. I really want to offer them my services.”

Unsurprisingly, the students themselves promote the program to their friends—even those who don’t want to attend Northwestern. Garrett Johnson, a senior at El Paso High School in Texas, raved about Sutten’s work to his football team in the locker room.

“I went to Northwestern two weeks ago thinking I wouldn’t even apply. After hanging out with Hailey, I finished the application in two days. She’s like a young Mother Theresa with the flexibility of an overworked Russian gymnast. I still can’t feel my legs. Go Northwestern go,” rejoiced Garrett as he high-fived one of his bros from his wheel-chair.

Sutten now offers over 50 different programs sponsored by her Wildkitty for high school seniors. In the future, she plans to work with Northwestern’s religious organization CRU, because as one student told Sherman Ave, “Her cooter made me believe in a god.”

Until then, March through Her Arch continues to hit rigorously hard and especially low, one prospective student at a time.

One Response to “Freshman Launches “March Through Her Arch” To Convince Prospies To Commit To NU”

  1. uh? November 17, 2013 at 7:18 pm #

    what the fuck…? this is weird and radically unfunny.

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