Invisibility just isn’t practical. How could anyone Instagram your heroic deed to make you internet-famous? Mind-reading makes you privy to every horrifying mental picture that happens after your younger siblings have The Talk. And do you really want to replace the bird poo on your car with “flying superhuman” poo? No, traditional superpowers are outdated. It’s time to ditch those Superman undies and replace them with SupercharisMan.
1. The Ability to See Smells
The power to visually identify your professor’s smegma breath and dodge it before it hits you is probably better than ESP and synesthesia combined. With the ability to see stank, you can select the least offensively scented seat neighbors at the DMV- since it seems to be common practice to pregame the DMV with garlic binges and a compost bath. But it needn’t be used only to avoid respiratory discomfort: you could have a faux-hallucinogenic experience by placing yourself in the football locker room with surströmming, corpse urine, and a middle school boy armed with Axe.
Like super-strength, only instead of growing muscles and turning green upon provocation, you could suddenly become this abnormally awesome person with social skills and witty remarks every time you start feeling uncomfortable. Maybe you just had a nip slip in front of your boyfriend’s mom. Maybe you wrongly anticipated the temperature of that house party, and now you’re a big puddle nobody wants to twerk with. Or maybe you forgot your meds today and now you’re in Detroit sharing a urinal with a Sherman Ave writer. We all have those awkward situations. But once you’re bitten by a radioactive Ferris Bueller, you always come out on top.
3. Farting On Command
Sometimes when I’m standing in the middle of a room and there’s music playing, drunk male friends of drunk male acquaintances think that the eye contact I tried not to make with them earlier was a covert invitation to grind their genitals on my ass. Since this is obviously a simple miscommunication, I feel that it may be impolite to turn around and castrate them. Wouldn’t it be easier to bend over, aim, and let out a really loud and smelly one? And if it came out as pepper spray, that’d be tops. Like a threatened skunk, trying to gently inform you: “I’m sorry, but I have a boyfriend.”
4. Controlling the flavor of one’s genital secretions.
“Hey baby. Semen is only 5 calories per serving. And mine tastes like Godiva.”
Boys, you’ve just read the most seductive bl*wj*b invitation since Frank Sinatra started voice lessons. Take note. Females would get some extra mm-hm with bacon-flavored ladyjuices to perfectly complement the morning sausage. See, nothing but good things would cum of this.
5. Outsourcing sleep.
Picture this scene: Indoor, night, your apartment. You’re catching up on work, the dishes, world domination, ANTM/Under the Dome/Brazzers – without any fatigue whatsoever. Meanwhile in India, a small child is comatose AND employed. Win-win-win. And I guess while we’re at it, it’d be great if someone else could do my exercise and bathing. Go ‘Cats!