Men sure have it rough. From making more money than women to not having to worry about living things crawling out of them, a man’s life is full of worry. So much so, in fact, that we’re seeing the emergence of a “men’s rights” movement.
This movement has reached its apex with the website bearing the moniker “Return of Kings.” According to their tagline, they are for “masculine men,” which I guess means that people like Jean Claude Van Damme and David Hasselhoff are regular readers of articles like “20 Things Women Do That Should be Shamed, Not Celebrated,” which highlights shameful actions like “single motherhood” and “being a foodie,” or the one that has really wadded some panties on my Facebook timeline, “5 Reasons To Date A Girl With An Eating Disorder.”
Now, my first reaction after exploring the Return of Kings website, in addition to incredulous wonder that primordial slime somehow managed to create lifeforms that can use the Internet, was that none of these masculine, manly writers had been within 10 feet of a vagina since birth. But then I thought longer and harder (oh baby), and realized that as a woman, these are the types of men I should be dating. Don’t believe me? Below find the top five reasons (in order!) you should be dating these misogynistic assclowns:
1) You’ll be taken care of. Simmer down, feminists and other ladies who assert that you don’t need to be taken care of, and listen to my voice of reason as it lulls you into capitulation. We’re in college. We are poor. We think that putting a little bit of real chicken in with our chicken-flavored Ramen is Wolfgang Puck. If you date a writer for or supporter of Return of Kings, he’ll be absolutely bound by his code of manliness to take you on nice dates and pay for everything. Go to that five star restaurant, order a couple of dishes and a $300 bottle of wine, and let him pay for it. If he refuses, he’s definitely not a real man.
2) He’ll always look good. Sure, art students might “respect” you, but those mushy bodies aren’t exactly appealing. Any man worth his man card is going to worship at the temple of the gym. If he can’t bench press twice his own body weight, he is NOT a masculine man. No rippling twelve-pack? Not happening. I am a billion percent sure that all the people writing for and supporting Return of Kings have the bodies of Adonis.
3) He’ll always make sure you look good. Is it going to be hard to hear that your dress makes you look like you should be working the corner, or that you ate a little too much pie this Thanksgiving? Absolutely. But this guy is going to make damn sure you always look good, even if he completely offends you doing it. Maybe having your picture put on Return of Kings for “Fat Shaming Week” was harsh, but it got you to the gym. He’s just doing it cause he cares, babe!
4) He has crazy-good connections. This gem, with the thought-provoking title “Who Do You Want To Be?,” focuses on the skanky and degrading things women do to meet a famous DJ. If you ignore the article and the words on the page and the icky feeling you get just reading this drivel, you get to the true meaning of the article: this guy knows a DJ who is reasonably in right now! He could probably introduce you! All your friends will think you’re so cool.
5) He has top-notch alcohol. No “masculine man” is going to be drinking anything less than top shelf liquor. You go ahead and help yourself to that perfectly aged Scotch, girl—if you’re dating one of these douchebags, you’re gonna need it.
-The Infinite Guest