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A Translated Northwestern CTEC Reminder Email

26 Nov

Dear Northwestern Student,

(Yeah you, you nameless, irrelevant $60,000 check)

Fall quarter classes are now available for evaluation. The CTEC site will remain open until 11:59 pm Sunday, December 15.

(You have three weeks to do this, but we’re emailing you about it now so you can start freaking out about how much you have to do before finals.)

To submit your evaluations, please login to CAESAR at: http://www.northwestern.edu/caesar/
and select Evaluate Classes (CTECs) under the Course and Teacher Evaluations menu to see a list of classes available for evaluation. If a course has multiple instructors, you will be asked to fill out an evaluation for each instructor.

(You probably didn’t realize this but you fill out your CTECs on the same website you used to read them. We figure you weren’t smart enough to figure that out. Although, in your defense, it takes a fucking genius to navigate CAESAR.)

Please do not hesitate to contact us by replying to this email if you have questions or problems with the evaluation site,

(If you don’t have a problem with CAESAR, then there’s a problem with you)

or if you feel the list of classes is inaccurate or incomplete (classes with less than five students enrolled are not included in the evaluation process).

(We actually have a drinking game where we read out loud people’s complaint emails and laugh about it and thousands of your tuition dollars are used to provide the top shelf alcohol.)

CTEC course evaluations are a valuable tool for students in making registration decisions; the more complete they are, the better they are. We strongly urge you to share your constructive and objective evaluation addressing the content of the class and the instructor’s teaching methods.

(For each CTEC expressing disdain for a class we will insert ten fake CTECs indicating that this class is “THE BEST” and “an easy A” so that some other poor bastard will sign up for that class and by the time they realize it really sucks it will be too late to drop or find another class.  MWAHAHAHA.)

Student evaluations also serve an important role for instructors and administrators. They assist instructors in improving teaching methods and revising the class content. Administrators use these evaluations in promotion and tenure decisions, as well as for curriculum planning.

(Your CTEC will change nothing and that racist, misogynist professor is probably already on tenure.)

PLEASE NOTE: During Winter Quarter 2014, CTEC results from previous quarters will be available only to those students who have submitted evaluations for all of their Fall Quarter 2013 classes.

(DANCE, MONKEYS. WE OWN YOU.)

Thank you for taking the time to evaluate your courses; we hope that the results will be helpful to you in improving your classes and in making your registration decisions.

(Look forward to ten identical emails in the coming week.)

The CTEC Office

(Yeah. There’s an “office” just for CTECs. We can’t get anyone to fix the escalator in the library for six months or hire a driver for the mythical frostbite shuttle, but there is an entire office for CTECs. Pile that thought onto your plate.)

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4 Responses to “A Translated Northwestern CTEC Reminder Email”

  1. Jake November 26, 2013 at 9:29 pm #

    hahahahaha not

  2. carl sweatpants November 27, 2013 at 1:22 pm #

    this is awesome.

  3. Great Line December 8, 2013 at 1:50 am #

    Amazing line, made me laugh out loud in the lib: “Yeah. There’s an “office” just for CTECs. We can’t get anyone to fix the escalator in the library for six months or hire a driver for the mythical frostbite shuttle, but there is an entire office for CTECs. Pile that thought onto your plate.”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. The Top 5 Species of CTECs | Sherman Ave - December 5, 2013

    […] prepare yourself for a few all-nighters, Northwestern decides to saddle you with your quarterly Course and Teacher Evaluations. (The second C stands for “Cooch”, or so my roommate tells me). So to use as you please, here […]

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