LONDON — The world was shocked today to learn that Tom Daley, a British athlete who spends almost all of his time wearing a speedo and doing various physical activities with other men wearing speedos, is sexually attracted to men.
Daley made the announcement by video, revealing to the world that he has a boyfriend — surprising, considering that the sport for which Daley has become famous has a uniform that reveals so much shaft that one can often discern whether the competitor is circumcised.
“My life changed massively when I met someone and it made me feel so happy, so safe and everything just feels great. And that someone is a guy,” said Daley in his video announcement, which he made during one of the rare moments in his life in which another man’s genitalia was more than just a millimeter of ultra-thin hydrodynamic synthetic material away.
Daley added that he “still [fancies] girls,” neutralizing some of the initial shock his fans felt upon hearing that someone who competes in a sport in which women cover approximately six times more of their bodies than men do could possibly be attracted to more than just women.
The announcement is widely considered to be the most shocking coming-out since Lance Bass came out as a homosexual in 2006, despite his patently heterosexual frosted tips.