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The Top 5 Species of CTECs

5 Dec

Welp, it’s getting to be about that time again. Just as you start to cram for finals and mentally prepare yourself for a few all-nighters, Northwestern decides to saddle you with your quarterly Course and Teacher Evaluations. (The second C stands for “Cooch”, or so my roommate tells me). So to use as you please, here are your top five formats to help you get through CTECs so you can start worrying about things that matter, like New Years plans.

5. The Pshhh

“Orgo? Pshhh. That shit was easy. I don’t know what all the fuss is about. You do a little reading, you mix some chemicals or whatever, and you take a couple tests. Easy distro. Honestly, I’m RTVF, and I thought the class was about the movie Argo, so I was totally lost when I realized that Ben Affleck didn’t come up once in discussion until like week seven. Why, you ask, did Ben Affleck come up even once in this class? Well, I may or may not have shouted out his name while sleeping in the back row of a lecture. Class was mad boring.”

4. The Oscar-winning speech

“Plant People Interactions transformed me as a student. Professor Russin’s wit and overall acumen for the class showed me that there is a world beyond the Whole Foods produce section. The way she spoke about the process of making soy sauce really struck a chord in me. Such a passionate woman, yet so real. And I will most assuredly remember these lessons for the rest of my life. I mean, now that I know that Nigeria is the world’s biggest producer of yams, my possibilities are endless! Look out world!”

3. The Stefon

“Northwestern’s hottest class is Humanities Explorations. Long-time NU president, professor, and renowned OB/GYN Abortin’ Shapiro has outdone himself. Located underneath the kosher station in Allison Hall, this sexed-up beardfest finally answers the question, “They put what in the kosher food?!” This place has everything: squeegees, post-it notes, sombreros, Flintstones cars, two-liter bottles of Sprite with the wrong caps on them, and human Snapchats! (You know, it’s that thing where you dress a midget in a trench coat and tell it to go flash his penis at strangers for four seconds).”

2. The Diplomat

“Urban Politics was undoubtedly a class that I took last quarter. Professor Rogers’ methods of teaching were demonstrated day in and day out during his lectures, which undeniably took place twice a week in Swift Hall. If you so choose to take this class, you will definitely receive assignment(s), and at the end of the quarter, I would say that you’ll certainly receive a grade; however, if you decide not to take the class, you won’t receive said grade. That much I can guarantee. Overall, if I had to recommend this class to any kind of person, I would probably have an opinion on that matter.”

1. The Acid Dropper

“Econ 310-1 was pretty tight up until when Professor Hornsten got eaten by that dragon. Really took a toll on class morale. I cried so much orange stuff that week. It took time, and I would have fully gotten over it, if it weren’t for those damn polka dotted seagulls always looking at me. What am I, some kind of delicious-looking trout to you? Damn seagulls. They make me sick, what with their big beaks and blue feathers with the green dots. Always trying to provoke me. One day… I’ll be the one staring, and WE’LL SEE WHO’S LAUGHING THEN. YOU HEAR THAT, YOU DIRTY RATS WITH WINGS?! Now in terms of problem sets, I’d recommend finding a study group of people who live in residences convenient for you.”

-Dick Wang

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