An Open Letter to the Northwestern Class of 2018

13 Dec


Congratulations. Sincerely. You took 7 or 8 AP exams and scored somewhere 33+ on your ACT* You wrestled away your school’s student presidency from that fucking bitch Katie Taylor and you sacrificed a healthy sleep schedule for that batch of A pluses.

And now,

It’s all paid off.

And now,

It’s time to get wild.

As in,



  1. Roll into class swagged-out in purple as fuck. You’re going to be living in Evanston next year, bitchezz. Birthplace of the temperance movement!
  2. Perfect the phrase, “No, not Northeastern. Northwestern. It’s in Illinois. It’s right by Chicago. Kanye named his baby after us. No, I’m not talking about Boston, dammit!!” Rolls off the tongue after the 38th try.
  3. Memorize every line of Mean Girls. That way when you visit Barnes & Noble in Evanston you can defecate on the exact toilet where Gretchen Wieners got diarrhea that one time.
  4. Start studying for your orgo final, to be taken in 2 years. You just might get a B- but only if you start NOW.
  5. Figure out who Chet Haze is. (Or don’t. Will students even care who he is once you guys go here? Do I even care? What am I doing here?)
  6. Don’t go on Caesar. Avoid that shit for as long as you can.
  7. Friend request every member of the Class of 2018 that has remotely similar musical tastes as you! Begin messaging them. Imagine romantic scenarios! Meet in person and realize you guys don’t clique. Become aggressively more awkward every time you see ex-fantasy on Sheridan over the next 4 years.
  8. Get Willie the Wildcat tattooed across your face.
  9. Post EVERY DAY in the NU-Class of 2018 Facebook group. INSTANT CELEBRITYDOM.
  10. Sign a petition to re-open The Keg.
  11. Learn what a Medilldo is. And a fucksaw. Just in general, learn to appreciate the art of self-gratification. 😉
  12. Follow @NUSafeRide on Twitter
  13. Instagram a photo you took of the computer screen that has your acceptance letter on it. REAL ORIGINAL, WILDKITTENS.

And finally, sincerely:

GIVE UP. YOU. ARE. GOING. TO. COLLEGE. Listen, wildkittens, you really don’t need to stay up till 2am anymore. Stop with the insanity and live a little. Go kiss a girl or make a new friend. Write a freaking novel or re-watch every episode of Arrested Development. The world is your oyster and you don’t need to worry about school for 9 months. So this is your chance. Be free. You’re not gonna have a time in your life like this again. Savor it, don’t waste it.

Lots of love,

Sherman Ave

*(First lesson of living in the Midwest: SAT scores don’t exist. Get over it. No one cares that you got a 2600).

** I hate myself

3 Responses to “An Open Letter to the Northwestern Class of 2018”

  1. T-Inglis March 21, 2014 at 7:25 am #

    Is it weird that I just re-watched the entirety of Arrested Development on Netflix?

    • yes. April 21, 2014 at 4:04 pm #


  2. YES April 21, 2014 at 9:38 pm #

    this is fantastic

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