How to Build Your Resumé with Awkward Comments from Your Relatives

18 Dec

We’re just a few short weeks away from the beginning of internship application season, or if you’re not in school, “another week of trying to get employed” season. Writing a resumé is a surefire way to decimate your confidence as a hirable individual. Fortunately, you can ride the depressing low of the holidays and insert your relatives’ opinions of you to round out the “special abilities” section of your already tepid resumé.

“Taller”

The most commonly uttered comment by relatives. It’s safe and probably true. Now you can reach things most people can’t, or at least reach things that children can’t, like a liquor cabinet. But more often, you’re just asked to help grab large dusty bowls from the top of the kitchen cupboards and have your head slightly chopped out of family photos.

“Bigger”

Much like being called taller, for men this could mean that you’re looking more buff, but realistically, for both men and women, it means you’ve been putting on weight. This isn’t an inherent skill, although it has contributed to your next special ability.

“A real bachelor[ette]”

Based on tone and context, my family assumes that college these days turns everyone gay. Again, not an inherent skill, unless this gets you out the following special ability.

Should date a coworker’s kid who’s about the same age

This seemingly would be terrible. Unfortunately, proximity of age doesn’t mean you’ll hit it off. In my cases, being around someone who has “really changed after getting out prison for attempted car theft and assault” didn’t make me a more fun person to be around.

“Unlikely to find a job in this economy”

I’m not sure what’s more depressing: this possible reality or my parents’ plans for my bedroom when I move out. An old video arcade, really? Well, that actually sounds great, and I will thoroughly enjoy moving back into that with or without my parents’ consent.

Probably on drugs and/or an alcoholic

Likely the most accurate assessment shot your direction. And as is the case with any honest self-assessment, it has no place on a resumé.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: