How to Have a Heinous Holiday Party

19 Dec

Want to have a Christmas experience like we do at the Ave?

Here are just a few things you’ll need to make sure you have a Merry Heinmas:

1. Ugly sweaters, Santa hats, and reindeer antlers

Just the basics.

2. Alcohol

Lots and lots of alcohol. You wouldn’t want to hang out with your closest friends and family sober, now would you?

3. A good present

Suggestions: leather handcuffs, a framed picture of kittens, 300 pages of your Japanese homework, porn, three copies of a book that literally nobody likes, coal.

**SPOILERS** All of these presents contain porn.  Every last one.

**SPOILERS** All of these presents contain porn.

4. Alcohol

Isn’t it so warm and toasty in this cozy apartment? It doesn’t have to be! Give your guests the greatest gift of all. (Smirnoff) Ice everyone multiple (read: at least 10) times throughout the night.

5. Someone dressed as Santa Claus

This guy.

This guy.  This exact guy.

Bonus points if you convince that guy you’ve been tryna with to volunteer to wear the Santa suit. You’ll have an excellent excuse nine eggnogs in to sit on his lap and tell him exactly what you want for Christmas 😉

6. Alcohol

May we make a suggestion? Forcefully pouring peppermint schnapps and chocolate sauce down the gullets of your party-goers while they’re on their knees is a great way to get them in the holiday spirit.

7. Christmas lights and ornaments

All subliminally (or not, whatever, it’s your party) phallic shaped:

Candle or chode? You decide.

Candle or chode? You decide. (via

Santa is "coming."

Santa is “coming.” (via

8. Alcohol

If you run out of peppermint schnapps from our earlier suggestion (see #6), we have learned from extensive testing and firsthand experimentation heard that tequila is a delicious alternative to mix with that chocolate sauce.

9. Enough mistletoe to cover every square inch of your apartment

It looks so innocent when it's not dangling out of your drunk uncle's zipper-hole.

It looks so innocent when it’s not dangling out of your drunk uncle’s zipper-hole.

Or no mistletoe. Just remember that the holiday season is a time to be close to your loved ones, so make sure to mentally prepare yourself for an inexplicable amount of homoerotic tonsil hockey.

10. Alcohol

You can also use this for drinking games. One of my personal favorites: Sitting in silence ripping shots until someone works up the courage to be social, then IMMEDIATELY shooting them down and continuing the shots.

11.  Music

Schindler’s List soundtrack–because who isn’t sick of those Christmas tunes, am I right?

Exception: “Twerkin’ around the Christmas Tree”– a future Christmas party favorite that should be played at least twice as many times as the holiday classic “Timber.”

12. Alcohol

“YEAH, grandma, I WILL shotgun another beer with you!!”

Your grandmother, about 8 shots in.

Your grandmother, about 8 shots in.

13. Horny Goat Weed Pills

All the biddies enjoy poppin’ these when they get holiday-turnt.

14. Alcohol



Heinous holidays from the Ave.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: