The 5 Types of People You’ll See at The One High School Party You Reluctantly Attended Over Break

23 Dec

You’re back in the warm bosom of your childhood home, and, as much as you’d like to curl up in a corner and revert to being the antisocial nerd you were in high school, you need to socialize… at some point. And shower. You really need to shower. Your best friend, being the great guy or gal that they are, isn’t going to let you spend this break hiding out with your cat. So here you are, a reluctant attendee at a party with all of the people from your high school you hoped you’d never have to see again.

OMG guys look at how well college taught me to #party!

1) The girl/guy you hated all through high school. This is the person that drove a wedge between your high school relationship, competed with you for the position of valedictorian (and won), took your crush to prom, and spread that awful rumor that you started to cry during that really sad health movie in the 6th grade (okay maybe that was true…the girl was hit by a car! And she had AIDS! And anorexia!). This person will inevitably come up to you with the sincerest of hugs and tell you how much they’ve missed you these past couple of months. They’ll reminisce about how your academic rivalry was the reason for their unparalleled success in high school. They’ll tell you things just aren’t this same without you at Princeton and how they sincerely wish your acceptance hadn’t been deferred. Thanks for bringing that up! Time for another shot.

2) The closeted gay guy. This guy got more girls in high school than any straight guy you know, and managed to increase his allure with an absurdly apathetic attitude. How sexy. Even though Timmy now has a semi-serious boyfriend (a very flambouyant and curiously tanned gentleman named Carlos who looks about ten years too old to be at this high school party), this will not stop girls from trying to hook up with him while drunk. Because, like, how much fun is it to hook up with your gay friends?

3) The obsessive crush. The one person that thought your glasses and braces were hot at age 17. This person still hasn’t gotten over the time you hooked up in the back of their parents minivan the summer before senior year. They keep sending furtive glances in your direction. Avoid them at all costs. Unless you’re realllllly drunk…and lonely…and no one else is there….and you’re missing your ex. Fuck it, just hook up with them.

4) The party animal turned community college dropout. This is a necessity for every post-high school high school party. This is the guy that always brings a drug no one’s tried and acts as though it’s totally normal to have a day of the week called Turnt Tuesday in which one inevitably ends the night with either shrooms or acid. Go talk to him, he sounds like a good time.

5) Your best friend. This is the person that persuaded you to go to this party, and the person you hoped you keep you sane through this night of utter debauchery. Unfortunately, this person is either a) PTFO’d in the corner (you’re best friends for a reason…and it’s not really because you wore the same shirt one day in the fifth grade) or b) hooking up with their ex from high school (because smart decisions are both of your specialties).

–Zelda Fistgerald

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