Things You Forgot to Do before Coming Home for Winter Break

24 Dec

1.     Block your relatives on social media: The last four posts on your wall are questions about when you get home and feature a lot of xoxo’s. During Christmas dinner you’ll have to answer questions about why you were laying in a street covered in body glitter and were you actually sleeping on that bar or just posing?

2.     Clean up your mouth:  No longer are you only surrounded by people between the ages of 18-23.  Your parents will be shocked when you casually tell your dog you’re going to cunt punt him if he doesn’t stop licking you, and your small cousins will stand wide-eyed as you discuss politics with your uncle referring to foreign leaders as “fucking little pricks” and the republican political agenda as a “steaming pile of honkey shit”.

This is not pajamas.  You cannot wear this.  (via thebeveragestore.com)

This is not pajamas. You cannot wear this. (via thebeveragestore.com)

3.     Bring home pajamas: When traveling back home, it can be hard to find space in your suitcase between your dirty laundry and the left over Skol handle you’re hoping will get you through new years.  Pajamas are usually the first thing you forego, but this is a big mistake.  Upon returning home you will find out your mom has sent your old high school sports sweat pants to Goodwill.  Sleeping naked was an option until you found out all six of your cousins under the age of 12 will be sleeping in your room this holiday season. Looks like jeans it is!

4.     Find a significant other:  We all have those family members who immediately after commenting on how old you look[1] decide that the next step is to bring to the surface your loneliness by asking if your dating.  NO AUNT JEAN I’M SINGLE. OH YOU FOUND YOUR HUSBAND IN COLLEGE? DROP DEAD.  Of course, there is also the question of whether or not you can refer to that kid you make out with every so often who sometimes text you for stats help as your boyfriend/girlfriend to a family member.  I’d say just count it.

5.     Get good grades: You return home excited for a few weeks of Netflix and naps.  What you forgot though was that the first question out of your parents mouth will be about the state of your GPA, and you spent the past quarter being carried home from parties and watching YouTube videos of people saying dumb shit after waking up from surgery.  The only option at this point is to bring attention to how most of your cousins go to state schools, which automatically makes you superior in all ways.  If that doesn’t work just lie.  The best way to spread Christmas cheer is by lying mercilessly out of fear.  No one has to know until you graduate, without honors.


[1] FYI if they are still saying this after you have finished growing it means you look tired as fuck and should probably stop staying up all night taking shots of tequila and playing Mario Party.

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