Five College Football Bowl Games That Need New Names

27 Dec


Every year between the end of the college football season and the national championship game we’re forced to endure a series of overly-sponsored match-ups by slightly-better-than-average football squads.  They are given a shot at eternal glory by conquering opponents in bowl games whose names leave even the most experienced commentators tongue tied.  So, whether we’re fans of the sport, fans of a team in the game, or someone who happens to be watching television over this holiday season, bowl games like the “Franklin American Mortgage Music City Bowl” often leave us with an overwhelming sense of confusion as to why teams are playing and who is watching.  Here are five bowl games whose names stand out as horribly mis-matched with the teams competing in them:

Sheraton Hawaii Bowl featuring Boise State and Oregon State

This one rings a little odd because Boise is about as similar to Hawaii as Ames, Iowa is to Kathmandu, Nepal.[1]  Also because Sheraton is a hotel chain, involved in the travel industry, and no one has ever gone to Boise, or wherever Oregon State is, on purpose.

Suggested Rename: The Road Trip Pit Stop Bowl

New Era Pinstripe Bowl featuring Rutgers and Notre Dame

Because nothing screams “new era” like Notre Dame, whose university policy still threatens expulsion for pre-marital sex.  And nothing says “Pinstripe Bowl in Yankee Stadium” like Rutgers, the state university of New Jersey.  Also, Rutgers isn’t a particularly old university, but it has a name that sounds a lot like something a grizzled World War II veteran or Richard Nixon would like to say a lot.

Suggested Rename: Your Grandpa’s Favorite Bowl

GoDaddy Bowl Featuring Ball State and Arkansas State

The bowl game with by far the most euphemistic sponsor features the university with by far the most euphemistic name, Ball State.  Long has Ball State been ridiculed for being named after the animal kingdom’s most ridiculous form of genitalia. No bowl could have made a more perfect—or unfortunate—match than the GoDaddy Bowl, sponsored by the country’s most uncomfortably euphemistic domain hosting site.  Unlike Ball State, however, GoDaddy wears its name proud and embraces the sexually awkward nature of its name.  So while the collective Ball State community will go on feeling unsure about their sweatshirts, the GoDaddy executives are no doubt proud to have landed their academic counterpart.

Suggested Rename: Nothing, the name is perfect.  The bowl could, however, benefit by replacing Arkansas State with the South Carolina Gamecocks.

AdvoCare V100 Bowl featuring Arizona and Boston College

The name is not so much ironic, as “what the fuck is this?”, which is probably what most people say when they end up in Arizona.

Suggested Rename: Literally anything that’s in real English

Texas Bowl featuring Syracuse and Minnesota

Sure, it’s a bit of an easy jab to simply point out that the “Texas Bowl” feature two teams that are not from Texas.  But that by no means is going to keep me from doing it.  Two teams from New York and Minnesota?  Not only are each of these states geographically about as far away from Texas as possible, but they are culturally, politically and economically about as removed from Texas as you could get as well.  Somehow, a room full of the people felt content and confident that these were the two right teams to put into the “Texas Bowl.”

Suggested Rename: A Bowl Game, featuring Syracuse and Minnesota (nobody will watch this anyway, it won’t matter)

[1] Here’s a list of some other things that are more similar to each other than Boise and Hawaii:

  • Busch Light and Something That Somebody Spent Time Or Effort Making
  • Northwestern’s Meal Plans and Things That Make Sense
  • The Chicago Bears and Run Defense
  • Kansas City and Mountaineering
  • A Plank of Wood and The Planet Saturn
  • Make-A-Wish Foundation and A Three-Foot-Tall Bong Called “The Destroyer”

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