Pros and Cons of Being Alive in the 21st Century

30 Dec

As the New Year approaches, we should think about what it means to be living in the 21st century. We are living in a time of unprecedented food production, medical standards, and genital enlargement. Yes, those are the three things I would brag about if I were talking to a buckle-hatted pilgrim. But although we have luxuries, there are things we missed out on in the timeline of our planet. In the following article, I will reflect on that for which we should be grateful for and that with which we should be forever disappointed.

Pro: Not dealing with Hitler

This one is a given. I never met Hitler, but I heard that guy was a real dick. Deception, bad upper lip hair, genocide- these are just a few of his favorite things. If Hitler were a beer, he’d be Coors Light. If he were a candy bar, he’d be a Take Five. If he were an animal, he’d be that deer that totaled my car on Apple Church Road. Anything you don’t want in your life — that’s him.


Con: Never getting to see a Moa

Moas were giant flightless birds that resided in New Zealand. Unfortunately, there is no God, and they were hunted to extinction in the 19th century. These birds were 12 feet high and over 500 pounds. Do you know what it’d be like to ride one of these birds into battle? Bitchin’ as shit. If you waltzed into a job interview straddling a Moa you would become CEO, CFO, and (newly created) Moa Master of that company. Unfortunately, we have to exist pretending like Ostriches are cool while this horse-bird hybrid god is but a fossil.

Pro: Netflix

Almost as good as not dealing with Hitler. There has never been a creation that fostered such unproductive behavior. The best part is it only costs sleep and socialization to enter this infinite time vacuum. Most normal people have learned to enjoy 9-hour Breaking Bad marathons, but some still protest the action. These people claim that you could use this dog’s life worth of time learning a language or serving your community. We all know that these are lesser people.

Pro: Domesticated Dogs

Don’t take this for granted, there was a time that Spot would have torn you apart as an appetizer for the rest of your family. But now he doesn’t have a desire for flesh, he just has a need for a warm belly rub. Dogs aren’t just your friend; they’re your perfect friend. Always excited to see you, cuddly as hell, and doing just enough dumb things that you feel smarter than them. Dogs truly epitomize everything that good people value in a personality. You could also value cats, but you’ll probably die alone.

Con: Never being able to be a King (somewhere that isn’t a desert)

Monarchy is a dying trend, and it’s a damn shame. Back in the days of the Wild Wild West[ern civilization], you had a chance to be born into kingship. No application necessary, just a pulse and no older siblings, or at least not any that you couldn’t kill. Imagine it. You’re lying in your bed of feathers and you have to go to the bathroom. If only you had a servant that could bring a jar- OH WAIT. You have an army of peasants that have to do everything you say or they won’t have heads. And guess what? Bitches love dudes with armies of servants. Just steer clear of any drink you didn’t get yourself (this theme is timeless!) and you’ll live well into your twenties!

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