Sherman Ave’s premiere sports authorities (like the store: Sports Authority #ad) Samwise Donkenstein and Manua Hiki-Hiki, have come together to give their predictions for 2013’s biggest bowl games. Plan your crippling gambling addictions accordingly.
Chick-Fil-A Gays Are The Worst Bowl: Duke vs. Texas A&M
Manua Hiki-Hiki: In a turn of events not even the assholes at Duke’s Fuqua (pronounced: Fuck You) School of Business could’ve predicted, Mike Krzyzewski’s some guy’s Duke Blue Devil football team that apparently exists and isn’t just a camp for the basketball team, will be taking on Johnny Football and the Texas A&M Agatha Christies (a.k.a Aggies) in The Chick-Fil-A Intolerance Bowl.
Duke, up until a 45-7 throttling by Florida State in ACC Championship Game, had been on course for one of their best seasons in many years. However, their luck is likely to only get worse in the Honestly I Always Assumed Chick-Fil-A Was Full of Bigots Bowl. With their leading rusher Jela Duncan suspended for “an undisclosed violation of its academic policy,” otherwise known as cheating, Duke will be even further disadvantaged in an already mismatched contest against Texas A&M.
Expect Johnny Manziel to come out with guns blazing in his final game, be drunk by halftime, and exit with a graceful “Fuck you” to the entire NCAA as the Aggies trounce the Blue Devils.
Texas A&M 48, Duke 17
Samwsie Donkenstein: Well I’ll be fucked. Duke has a football team. Can we fucking talk about this? When did it happen? Are their players the same as the basketball team? How do they have enough players to complete a regulation roster? Damn, Coach K deserves a raise.
I mean, experience tells me to never bet against Coach K, but I just have a hard time seeing how the 13 or so guys on the Duke basketball team are gonna be able to overcome Johnny Manziel and Texas A&M. Hasn’t their season already started in the ACC? Jesus, I’m so impressed but like, they’re gonna be disqualified.
Duke forfeits via disqualification (not enough players)
Taxslayer.com Gator Bowl: Nebraska vs. Georgia
SD: As we all know, the Gator Bowl is an extremely big deal. It’s widely accepted that the team that wins this prestigious title is not only the best team in college football that season, but is also considered to be the best team the subsequent eight seasons. Why is this you may ask? Fuck if I have any idea, but this being the 100% honest-to-God truth, we’re forced to deal with the Gator Bowl with the solemn gravity that it deserves.
Whenever I’m trying to predict the outcome of a game, I first turn to a handy flowchart. It’s as follows;
Did that team play Northwestern? Yes? Did they beat the Wildcats by more or less than 14? Less? That team fucking sucks and they’re going to lose.
Nebraska 10, Georgia 35
MHH: Well it looks like The League of Devils that picks the match-ups for college bowl games decided to remind everyone why they should THANK GOD THE BCS SET-UP IS GOING TO BE GONE OH MY LORD THANK YOU by pairing up two teams that played last year, Georgia and Nebraska, in The Capital One Bowl Part Two: Gator Bowl Boogaloo.
With little changed about these teams (I think, probably. You really expect me to know about all of the little fucking changes the teams may have made?) other than the fact that both starting quarterbacks (a.k.a the only important players) are injured, expect eerily similar results in this game.
Despite similar records, Georgia is clearly the more talented team – with 3 of 4 of its losses coming early in the season and against the likes of Auburn and Clemson, instead of teams like Iowa and Minnesota. And while it should definitely be an exciting game with both teams having negative turnover margins, you should bet on Georgia to come out on top again and add to the embarrassment that is the Big Ten’s bowl record.
Nebraska 24, Georgia 38
Capital One Bowl: Wisconsin vs. South Carolina
MHH: This one should actually be pretty exciting. On the one hand you’ve got Wisconsin, who looked really solid up until a late-season loss to Penn State. On the other you’ve got Jadeveon Clowney and the Army of Darkness that powers his inhuman thirst for blood and suffering. There’s also the rest of the Georgia Bulldogs’ team, I guess.
This game will almost certainly come down to how both teams approach the running game; more specifically, how Wisconsin approaches it offensively, and South Carolina approaches it defensively. Wisconsin has been able to overpower a lot of teams with its powerful, two-headed running attack – but it may face challenges from a South Carolina defensive line that is prepared to consume two or more human heads on a daily basis. If Wisconsin is able to summon the power of God and look the physical embodiment of fear in the eye and establish the running game, they’ve got a shot to get the play-action going and sustain a strong offensive effort. However if the Gamecocks shut down the running game early, prepare for Clowney to start moving full-speed-ahead at Wisconsin’s quarterback, Joel Stave, and for the first two rows of seats at the stadium to become a splash zone.
South Carolina 27, Wisconsin 17 – with four casualties
SD: Is it too late to write a letter to the Capital One Bowl on behalf of Northwestern? What’s that? I can go fuck myself? Ah, gotcha.
Well, my handy flowchart from earlier informs me that Wisconsin beat Northwestern by more than 14 the last time they played [takes pull of Jack Daniels] and also by like 60 the time before that [takes pull of everclear], so they pass the “don’t suck dick” test.
Of course, that doesn’t mean they’re a good team by any stretch of the imagination, and now that I think about it, I’m suspicious of any team that got to where it is in part by beating the Wildcats. South Carolina it is.
South Carolina 33, Wisconsin 27
Fiesta Bowl: Baylor vs. University of Central Florida
MHH: Proving to the world that there is, in fact, land between Northern Florida and Miami, Central Florida surprised everyone this year by validating itself as a real football team with a real quarterback and a real stadium and everything! The University of Central Florida Knights, which Wikipedia has stated is apparently the team’s name, came away with an 11-1 season after a singular hard-fought loss the South Carolina Clowneys. Despite this monumental accomplishment, the “Knights” come into the Fiesta Bowl at a tremendous disadvantage.
The Brittany Griner-led Baylor Bear offense, ranked fifth in passing yards per game and first in points per game seem prepared to deliver a major league whooping to UCF.
Expect a lot of scoring from both sides, but don’t be surprised when the Bears take control of the game and laugh in Mack Brown’s face after showing him what a real Big 12 BCS bowl win looks like in this decade.
SD: Stop. Just stop. For Christ’s sake, who gives a shit about either one of these teams? Are you fucking serious? You want me to preview this god-forsaken matchup? Shut up. You don’t give a flying fuck either; you’re just being an asshole.
Baylor 35, University of Central Florida 14
Rose Bowl: Stanford vs. Michigan State
SD: Before we dive into this (actually compelling and interesting) matchup, I’d like to take a moment to say a few words to our disappointed Big Ten comrades over at Ohio State.
HAHAHAHA EAT SHIT YOU WHINY, FRONTRUNNING LITTLE TREE NUTS YOU COMPLETELY CHOKED AGAINST THE ONE GOOD TEAM YOU PLAYED THIS YEAR AND NOW YOU DON’T EVEN GET TO PLAY IN THE ROSE BOWL HAHAHAHAHAHA AND YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO THE NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP HAHAHAHAHAHA.
Sorry, I have one HELL of a case of Tourettes.
Anyhoo, Michigan State, near as I can tell, is determined to get as close as humanly possible to gaining exactly 4 yards on EVERY play they run, thereby boring the ever-loving shit out of their opponents, fans, and TV viewership audiences.
You ever been to the dentist (well I would fucking hope you have, Jesus Christ) where they pull out that sharp hook-thing and start scraping your teeth with it? That’s what it’s like to watch Michigan State play football (and also interestingly enough what it’s like to live/work in East Lansing).
On the flipside, Stanford has spent decades creating genetically-modified superhumans in an underground laboratory with the capability to cure cancer and run a 3.7 40. So I’m gonna take the Cardinal here, although that remains a particularly dumb name for a football team.
Stanford 23, Michigan State 17
MHH: It’s brain against brawn in this matchup, as the “Harvard of the West” takes on the “UNLV of the Midwest.” With Michigan State’s defensive leader and captain Max Bullough suspended for the game, the Spartans would appear to be at a disadvatage. However, that’s before you realize that both teams’ offenses are about a potent as a Natty Light mixed with two gallons of water – and that both defenses are more talented at preventing scoring than a best friend who just broke up with her boyfriend.
Yes, this should be a traditional, knock-down-drag-out (i.e slow, painful) game of football. Despite not having one of their best players, the Spartans seem poised to take advantage of the momentum they gained defeating Satan’s Army An Ohio State and squeak out a close victory in their first trip to The Rose Bowl in a quarter-century.
Stanford 14, Michigan State 17
Sugar Bowl: Alabama vs. Oklahoma
SD: You know what I haven’t thought about recently? The Big 12. That conference is, truth be told, my biggest argument in favor of assisted suicide, next to grape jolly ranchers and people who like PBR. So I really don’t have any insight about the talent of this particular incarnation of the Sooners. If it’s anything like the last 50, however, it’s completely forgettable and won’t just disappear even though it’s what’s best for everyone involved. Much like the state of Oklahoma!
Alabama, on the other hand, lost the last football game they played, meaning the only reason to tune into this one is to see how many points the Crimson Tide can win by. My guess is a lot. A lot of points.
Alabama 100, Oklahoma 14
MHH: Mr.Donkenstein’s dead-on here: This game will be a blowout – plain and simple. It took an act of God to keep the Tide from a third-straight National Championship appearance, and this powerhouse will undoubtedly not be denied a win for the second straight game. Coming in with the nation’s second-rank defense and a high-powered offense led by Katherine Webb’s boyfriend, the Tide are set, and eager, to offer up an ass-kicking to Oklahoma’s consistent, but otherwise unimpressive team.
Anticipate balls flying everywhere (HA. Get it? Balls!!!) as Katherine Webb’s unnamed boyfriend launches an aerial assault on Oklahoma.
Alabama 52, Oklahoma 24
Orange Bowl: Ohio State vs. Clemson
MHH: Fresh off its first loss in two years and the saddest pizza consumption in the history of sports, An Ohio State University
is looking to rebound against the Clemson Tigers in the Consolation Prize for Not Winning a National Championship Despite Reaching 24-0 Bowl (a.k.a The Orange Bowl). And it looks like – despite what every single person in every single city in every single country hopes, other than the sub-human beasts in Columbus, Ohio – that they’ll likely get that consolation prize. With two of the best running backs in the country, RB Carlos Hyde and supposed “QB” Braxton Miller, the Fuckeyes, I mean – the Bucking Shitheads, I mean – GOD FUCK OHIO STATE GODDAMNIT, squaring off against an alright, but far from impressive, Tiger run defense, Ohio State should dominate the line of scrimmage like the Buckeyes’ Big Ten Championship loss will dominate Urban Meyer’s memory for years to come.
Expect some exciting plays from Clemson’s Tahj Boyd, but don’t be surprised when An Ohio State comes through with a clear, albeit unfortunate, victory.
Ohio State 38, Clemson 21
SD: Hold on. For those of you keeping track at home, this marks the second time this season that the An Ohio State Buckeyes have played a team that does not suck the semen out of koala penises on a regular basis (looking DIRECTLY at you, Northwestern).
So what happened the first time they played a team that didn’t suck the semen out of koala penises on a regular basis? They shit the bed and ended up in the Orange Bowl. Why should this time be any different?
Ohio State 24, Clemson 38
BCS National Championship: Florida State vs. Auburn
SD: Imagine if your name was Mizzou Stevenson (lol you have a really fucking stupid name why would your parents do that to you hahaha) and someone came up to you, let’s call this guy Auburn Jones for sake of argument, and told you that he was gonna punch you RIGHT in the face. You’d probably take steps to prevent that from happening right? Right.
Well that’s EXACTLY the shit that went down in the SEC championship game and yet Mizzou was completely unable to prevent itself from getting punched REPEATEDLY in the face. Auburn ran the same play approximately 296,510 times in a row and scored something like 56 points (I could look it up but I’m not going to).
Of course, I get that Jameis Winston is good at football and assaulting women and whatnot, but God clearly wants Auburn to win the National Championship this year. Now, I don’t know why God is focused on Auburn winning instead of, say, helping victims of the typhoon in southeast Asia or improving living conditions in Haiti. I just work here, man. I’m not part of management.
Auburn 54, Florida State 0
MHH: Well I guess since this game comes up soon, we can look at it and predict an end. Alright here we go. It’s a big one. It looks like – no it does not look like Florida State. And with Auburn coming from the back of the standings. They’ll get 25, 30, 35, 40, 45, 50. HERE COMES AUBURN! OH MY GOD! AUBURN’S GONNA TAKE THE NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP BACK! AUBURN’S GONNA WIN THE FOOTBALL GAME!!! AUBURN’S GONNA WIN THE FOOTBALL GAME!!! THEY’RE GONNA TAKE THE CHAMPIONSHIP BACK!!! THEY’LL RUN IT OVER 309 YARDS!!! THEY’RE NOT GONNA KEEP OFF THE FIELD THAT NIGHT!!! HOLY COW!!!!!! OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!! AUBURN WINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AUBURN WILL WIN THE CHAMPIONSHIP!!!!! AUBURN WILL WIN THE CHAMPIONSHIP!!!!!!!111!!11!!!!
Auburn will win the Championship.
Auburn 34, Florida State 27
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