A Detailed Schedule for a New Years Spent Alone

31 Dec

This year, I will be spending New Years Eve at home by myself. This is not a choice I made willingly, nor is it the first time that I have found myself in this situation. It’s pretty much the same story every time I come home for the holidays – my friends hang around town for the first week or so, and then jet off to various destinations the day after Christmas, where they typically remain until well after the New Year. This leaves me with three options for New Years Eve:

1) Call up friends from high school that I’ve lost touch with.

2) Hang out with parents and parents’ friends.

3) Stay home alone.

For me, the obvious choice is option #3. While some may choose differently, I know think hope there are others out there who, like myself, will be spending New Years Eve alone. So for my fellow loners, I’d like to present my tentative plans for NYE 2013. May you take comfort in the knowledge that you are not alone in your alone-ness, and may this post reassure you that you don’t need friends to have a totally rockin’ New Years!! 😛

My Itinerary:

4:00 – 5:00 pm: Prettify myself, just in case I am presented with an opportunity to have fun tonight. Shower, shave my legs, put on make up and do my hair. Throw on some sweats and a T-shirt, but set aside a hott outfit that I can change into on a moment’s notice.

5:00 – 5:05 pm: Order pizza for delivery. Play up the tragedy of spending New Years Eve alone so my parents might take pity on me and pay for the meal. Succeed with ease.

“Remember, George — no man is a failure who has champagne.”

5:05 – 5:30 pm: Drink champagne with my parents before they leave for their party. Say goodbye to Mom and Dad. Snapchat a photo of me drinking champagne by myself in my sweats and T-shirt, because I need to show everyone how funny I am.

5:30 – 6:30 pm: Retrieve pizza at the front door. Enjoy pizza as I attempt to fill out the crossword puzzle from the morning paper. Eat seven slices and hate myself. In a desperate effort to exert self-control, throw away the five perfectly good pieces that remain. Complete 1/5 of the crossword puzzle and Google the rest. Snapchat a photo of the crossword puzzle I completed all by myself.

6:30 – 8:00 pm: Turn on the tube, just in time to catch the second half of 40-Year-Old Virgin on VH1. Empathize with the main character’s solitary lifestyle.

8:00 – 8:30 pm: Compete against strangers in QuizUp. Take comfort in the fact that they must not have New Years Eve plans, either.

8:30 – 9:15 pm: Log onto Facebook. See photos of my cool friends doing cool things at their cool NYE parties. Feel like a loser. Spend the next 45 minutes combing through my Timeline and making it look less loser-y.

9:15 – 9:30 pm: Forget eating seven slices of pizza and decide that I deserve dessert. Drive to local convenience store and purchase a box of Fruit Gushers. Drive home.

9:30 – 10:00 pm:  Situate myself on the living room couch with my box of Gushers and a healthy serving of red wine. Finish both.

10:00 – 11:00 pm: Fall asleep. Have a stress dream about returning to Northwestern and being ostracized for spending New Years Eve alone.

11:00 – 11:10 pm: Awaken to a text from a friend I had not realized was in town, asking if I am out tonight and want to meet up. Decide that I’m too tired to make the 20-minute trip, but to avoid seeming lame pretend to be too inebriated to coordinate plans.

11:10 – 11:50 pm: Come to terms with the whole being-alone-on-New-Years thing. Turn on Pandora’s 2013 Top Adult Radio and crank the volume. Put on the hott outfit I set out earlier, pour myself a glass of champagne, and feel fancy. Parade around the house and sing songs that I spent the entire year trying to escape.

11:50 – 11:59:59 pm: Hop in my car and drive to the spot in my neighborhood with the best view of the midnight fireworks. Tune in to the local countdown. During the final minute, be unreasonably terrified that something apocalyptic will happen when we get to zero.

12:00 – 12:10 am: We get to zero. The earth is still intact. Watch the fireworks for five minutes and drive home.

12:10 – 12:20 am: Change back into PJ’s. Eat a spoonful of Nutella. Go to bed.

Home alone for New Years? Pass the time by taking the 2013 Sherman Ave Readers’ Poll!

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