2012 Sherman Ave Readers’ Poll: Results

1 Jan

If there’s one thing Sherman Ave prides itself on, it’s follow through. That, and our stunning mastery of the entire AP U.S. History Flashcard set. So, in the hopes of amping you up to take the 2013 Sherman Ave Readers’ Poll, here are the results of last year’s 2012 Sherman Ave Readers’ Poll. Enjoy the blast from the heinous past.

Most Heinous Event of 2012

With 18% of the vote, the winner was: Evanston revoking the Keg’s liquor license. The Keg may not have survived the wrath of Tizzy, but it did manage to eke out a one-vote victory over the advent of #YOLO, followed closely by the I Agree With Markwell campaign and the notorious Vandy seal clubbing scandal. Rest in peace, old friend. We swear to hold you forever in our memory by linking to this every goddamn opportunity we get.

Most Heinous Song of 2012

With 33% of the vote, the winner was: Carly Rae Jepsen’s “Call Me Maybe.” We’re glad Jepsen followed up on last year’s smash-hit with 2013’s “Desperate Realization of Future Status as One Hit Wonder.” “Gangnam Style” and “Thrift Shop” were left in the distant dust, although to be fair people probably just hadn’t read about all of Macklemore’s white privilege yet.

Best Album of 2012

With 18% of the vote, the winner was: Macklemore’s The Heist. While T-Swift’s Red, Frank Ocean’s channel ORANGE, and Mumford’s Babel performed admirably, Macklemore cleaned up like a recovering codeine addict.

Best Movie of 2012

With 22% of the vote, the winner was: The Dark Knight Rises. Seriously? I mean, seriously? Come fucking on. I’m not even angry, just… so upset. Way to go, readers. Sure, Argo could have stood to be taken down a notch or two, but was it really necessary to bone Django Unchained and Moonrise Kingdom that bad in favor of the shittiest movie of Christopher Nolan’s trilogy that eschewed things like “cohesive narrative,” “character development,” and “enjoyability” for “HEY LOOK BATMAN HAD SEX WITH WHITE CATWOMAN!!!”? If you people just wanted to fuck with us, why not vote for Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance? At least that movie featured an actor displaying a dynamic vocal range.

Best TV Shows of 2012

With 19% of the vote, the winner was: Game of Thrones. Boobs beats a boob, yet again.

Most Heinous Twitter Feed of 2012

With 27% of the vote, the winner was: @RealDonaldTrump. K. Not like we’re offended by that, or anything.

Hottest Biddy of 2012

With a searing 23% of the vote, the winner was: Jennifer Lawrence. Finally you fuckers did something right. And it looks like the only competition standing in her way for a ravishing repeat is J-Law’s toned-est competitor: Michelle Obama.

Smangengest Bro of 2012

Not even close here. With 26% of the vote, the winner was: Morty Schapiro. Pretty boys Ryan Gosling and Joseph Gordon-Levitt didn’t stand a chance against the man whose nipple hair was once donated to Locks of Love to serve as Mitt Romney’s wig.  Numerous press appearances suggest that Morty’s gearing up for another run at our hearts, minds, and tuition dollars.

Favorite Presidential Debate Moment of 2012

With 45% of the vote, the winner was: Binders full of women. Sorry Big Bird, but ain’t that some Mitt?

Most Mouthgasms per Bite

With 44% of the vote, the winner was: Cheesie’s. Living up to its saber-bartistics rating, Cheesie’s blew the competition out, much like we blew out last night’s Frenchie…

Best Place to Get Publicly Intoxicated

With 20% of the vote (and only two more votes than second-place finishers Cozy Noodles and The Keg), the winner was: Alone in the stacks… I DON’T HAVE A PROBLEM. Apparently even when Northwestern had a good football team, the student body still had a drinking problem.

Who should join the Big Ten next?

With 38% of the vote, the winner was: Ball So Hard University. With the B1G constantly expanding and constantly sucking, Ball So Hard University is an innovative and strong choice. Although to be fair, other contenders like University of Phoenix and Oxford University would probably perform better in a bowl game than Michigan.

In ten words or less, please describe how you would seduce Morty Schapiro:

Some of our favorites:

  • With a wrench
  • Sell him a football training facility. From there it’s easy
  • Chloroform chloroform chloroform chloroform chloroform chloroform chloroform chloroform chloroform chloroform
  • I would slowly kiss every part of a wild dolphin
  • 1) paint naked body purple 2) whisky 3) profit
  • Show him my endowment
  • Raising my own tuition
  • Volunteer as his ballsack-scrubber, do extra credit
  • You don’t seduce Morty Schapiro. Morty Schapiro seduces you
  • Apply early decision
  • Bedazzle my vag with the Northwestern wildkitten.

These are our readers.

Is there anything else you’d like to add?

Thoughtful comments our readers submitted:

  • I give you 2.5/10
  • Don’t overdo it in 2013
  • hav u had sex w/ nu complimentz? will u hav a babey? is nu complimentz good in bed
  • i’m masturbating to miracle on 34th street
  • More heinous. The word seems to have fallen off in its usage, and that’s not OK. Also, Packingham, there is a positive relationship between number of views and number of Jennifer Lawrence pictures
  • I didn’t want to be that “too soon” person, but the most heinous event of 2012 for real was definitely Sandy Hook
  • Be the spokesperson for better relations between the US anid Iceland seriously this beautiful country is a key ally http://www.state.gov/r/pa/ei/bgn/3396.htm
  • I like you but if you tweet a Christmas song where you replace a verb with “twerk” one more time I will unfollow you children
  • You were funnier last year. Pick it up new kids
  • You suck
  • Get fucked Vandy.

Well, there you have it. Looking back on it, 2012 seemed like a pretty heinous year, but we’d like to think we grew ever more heinous in 2013. Here’s hoping that we get this year’s readers’ poll results out earlier this time around, but, you know, #YOLO!

We swear we’ll do better this year. So take the 2013 Sherman Ave Readers’ Poll!

One Response to “2012 Sherman Ave Readers’ Poll: Results”

  1. JGarbo January 1, 2014 at 2:46 pm #

    “These are our readers.”

    Lucky you’re not popular enough for Bill Simmons to find this and sue.

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