The Official Guide To Fraternity Rush

7 Jan
You can be one them!

You can be one them!

Unaffiliated gentlemen, it’s once again the most wonderful time of the year: Frat rush. Despite what CollegeACB may say, we are totally not dirty geeds over here at The Ave. We are completely down with the T-F-M, and we’d like to use that knowledge to help you out as you attempt to get the biddiest of bids from the housiest of houses:

  • Avoid the three B’s: booze, bucks and boobs. It’s strictly against the rules to discuss partying, money or women during rush, per IFC regulations.

  • Before going out to any rush events, make sure to wear your finest outfit. At many houses, they’ll check the labels on your coat to see if you can afford the best brands. If you don’t have a brand name jacket, consider borrowing one from a friend.

  • Notice the little things when interacting with a brother. Compliment the things they wear: no one forgets the guy who noticed the Bonnaroo bracelet.

  • You only get to five minutes to impress each brother so make sure you are ready to talk about your life-changing summer. Discuss your Paris modeling gig, the West African villages you erected, and the sharks you dove with.  Your honesty will only hurt you. As Frances Willard once said, “Infiltrate, then come clean.”

  • Do NOT eat the cookies. Some houses may have cucumber sandwiches, which are fine to eat, but avoid the cookies at all costs. Fraternity men are always careful to count their calories.

  • Oh yeah go ahead and wear that Hollister cardigan..if you want to be blacklisted.

  • You may be wondering if and how much cologne to wear to these events– 1.6 spritzes.

  • Don’t be afraid to show a little body.  You look confident when you let the room see a little leg.

  • When brothers inevitably talk about lifting, try to join in with these key words: “Iron, Press, Stunt, Spot, Casein, Elliptical.” And don’t forget to puff out your chest, you scrawny meerkat.

  • Most brothers lose sleep worrying about how to ensure the house looks as hygienic, appealing, and well coordinated as possible.  Start studying your color spectrum wheels now so you don’t miss a single color coordination in the house.  Every object in the room is intentional, don’t forget that.

  • Remember to laugh at the skits, even if they aren’t funny, which they absolutely will not be. Brothers will remember which rushees didn’t smile, didn’t laugh, and didn’t show they were warm people.

  • Ask to meet the house mom. If the brothers insist they don’t have one, walk up to the most effeminate looking brother and ask them how they enjoy being house mom.   Refuse to accept that they are not, this shows persistence. Also they will have Nature Valley bars.

  • One last time, for god’s sake, make sure you have the best labels on.

  • Be sure to suck up to any brothers that choose to talk to you by praising their athletic accomplishments, their wardrobe, their hair style and by offering explicitly to engage in oral sex on their penis.

  • Good luck, wear your lucky thong.

-Sir Edward Twattingworth III and Pip Sleazy

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