Fraternity gives bid to freezer door through loophole in chill-to-pull grading system

9 Jan

EVANSTON, Ill.–In an embarrassing turn of events, a chapter within the Northwestern Greek life community—they have requested to remain anonymous—has admitted the door to a local freezer in an attempt to honor the age-old chill-to-pull system that has been a doctrine of fraternity culture since its invention in the early 20th century.

Sources close to the decision reported that, despite numerous objections that the door seemed to have a rather cold disposition towards most brothers during rush, several of the fraternity higher-ups insisted that the freezer door was definitely cool once he opened up to you, and it was clear that he pulled pretty easily.  “Besides,” one of the proponents was quoted as saying, “he does a damn good job of holding his liquor.”

This is not the first time such an error was made in an effort to honor the system, though it is the first occasion since the chill-to-pull criteria were rewritten to incorporate the values of modern Greek life. One incident–dating back to the 1960’s when getting a bid was more about family money than anything else–remains fresh in most brothers minds: A fraternity at Dartmouth famously admitted the General Mills mascot Lucky the Leprechaun due to a loophole in what was then known as the fortune-to-charm ratio.

When reached for comment regarding this embarrassing misstep in the bid selection process, the fraternity president admitted, “It was kind of a bummer once we realized that one of our pledges was an inanimate plastic insulator connected to a hinge, but it turns out Kenmore—sorry, he likes to be called Ken—is actually a really great guy.  Just an awesome Pong player, too.  Dude’s got ice in his veins.”

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