The Best Places to Masturbate on Campus

13 Jan


Winter Quarter is upon us, fellow Wildcats, and with the temperature alternating daily between “Cold enough to cause penises everywhere to recede into body cavities” and “33 degrees,” odds are your roommates are gonna be spending a lot of time in the room. You know?

Obviously, the first thought that must strike you is “Yeah homie, this is seriously gonna hinder my ability to spank the monkey 15 times a day.” To which I would respond, “You only whack it 15 times a day? That’s fucking weird bro you might wanna get that shit checked out.”

But regardless, you’re gonna need a place to do your business. I get that. Luckily for you, old Uncle Samwise has been around the block a few times and knows EXACTLY what you’re looking for. With these handy tips (lol handy tips) about where to beat it, you’ll be warming up campus with your hot semen until May!

Tech Library

 A no-brainer, honestly. They allow you to rent whole ROOMS to have to yourself for up to three hours. Yeah granted, the walls are made of glass and everyone can see exactly what you’re doing, but what are the engineers REALLY gonna do? It’s probably the hottest thing they’ve seen in their entire lives.

Your Roommate’s Bed

“Dude what do you want, I’m trying to watch House of Cards. Seriously this isn’t funny man WAIT WHAT THE FUCK STOP DUDE GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME.”

Two-Hundred Person Lecture Hall 

So anonymous, so private. C’mon, who would even know it was you?

Discussion Section

 You know which one. With the hot TA you’ve been trying to hit on all quarter except you haven’t been trying to hit on her at all because you’re a pussy? That’s the one! Just wait until she’s deep into a discussion about the nanostructure of organic polymers, lock eyes with her and whip it out. Works every time, TRUST me.

Sargent Hall

This one admittedly might be a little more personal. Something about the smell of orange peel and vomit just gets me off.

The CTA Red Line

I mean, everyone else does it. Why can’t you? Just pick the right car, hop on and get off! If ya know what I mean hahahahahaha.

First Floor University Bathrooms
For the more adventurous. The doors don’t lock, giving you the thrill of knowing you could be walked in on by a hairy janitor at any moment. But what’s life without a little excitement? Boring. That’s what it fucking is, it’s boring.

New Reference

The sign at the entrance says it’s now a “collaborative zone for quiet study groups,” so for this one I believe you’ll need to bring a friend. I’m not totally sure about that yet, I’m still waiting on an email back from the Dean of Libraries.

3 Responses to “The Best Places to Masturbate on Campus”

  1. A careful reader January 16, 2014 at 1:04 am #

    might as well be named “Spankwise to-that-Donkenstein”!!!! ^.^

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  3. DamnIfeelOld January 28, 2014 at 9:54 pm #

    How does this article not mention the SPAC showers?

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