Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: The Vomelette

17 Jan

There are many extra-curricular activities in which to participate on any given college campus.  We, as students, are all busy with classes, of course, but we’re often even busier with things besides classes.  These extra-curricular activities, all of them, any of them, are highly enriching, and you should absolutely do them and meet people and expose yourself to new experiences and all of those great things.

Imagine this, but with a slightly green tone, and you've got it.

Imagine this, but with a slightly greenish tone, and you’ve got it.

However, there is a chance that, with certain extra-curricular activities, you will need to communicate to the current members of that certain extra-curricular activity that you are a worthy “prospect,” for lack of a better term.  You may have to do this through an interview, a feat of physical strength, or other such “tests.”   But for a certain extra-curricular activity, you may be required to (or rather encouraged, since you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to but if you don’t do this thing you might get, for example, “taunted,” for lack of a better term, in some manner), say, digest something, whether it be a food or drink; and, for a certain extra-curricular activity, the name of which is irrelevant and unnecessary to give, this food or drink may be, to most, undesirable to consume.

A vomelette – sometimes written as “vomlette” “vomlet” or even “vomit omelet” – is dish in which an omelette is made, but the eggs and various meats and vegetables used for its construction are substituted for vomit.  The culinary place of origin of the vomelette is irrelevant.  The places in and conditions under which vomelettes are consumed are also irrelevant.

There are various styles of vomelettes, however, and as a person who may or may not be suggested to consume one, we believe it is important for you to understand the type or types of vomelettes you may encounter.  Granted, vomelettes are like snowflakes: because the very nature of their construction can be altered in literally thousands of ways, no two vomelettes are alike.  However, we will try to give a general overview of the more popular preparatory techniques of the modern vomelette, of which there are six:

The Classic

This would be your traditional, “run-of-the-mill” vomelette, in which the chef, after consuming the amount and type of food personally preferred, would induce self-vomiting into a pan, coated with butter or oil.  The demographics with which The Classic is popular are irrelevant.

The Dartmouth

A slight alteration to The Classic, in which the chef specifically eats and then self-vomits an omelette, rather than any type of food.  While this omelette does in fact share its name with an Ivy League college in Hanover, New Hampshire, this similarity is only coincidental; there is no irrefutable evidence to support that students or employees at Dartmouth College consume vomelettes, either Dartmouth-style or otherwise.

The Eggwhite

The Eggwhite has been called a more contemporary take on The Classic.  After vomiting into a pan coated with butter or oil, the chef then self-pleasures himself to climax; he or she then collects the climactic residue and adds it to the pan.  This vomelette can also be prepared Dartmouth-style, resulting in the hybrid “Dartmouth-Eggwhite,” sometimes referred to as the “The Punishment.”  The reasons for which The Punishment would be consumed in lieu of an alternate style of vomelette are irrelevant.

The Scavenger

The Scavenger is a vomelette which, instead of using the vomit of a human being, uses the vomit of any commonly domesticated animal (dog, cat, rabbit, etc.)  The methods by which vomit would be collected from these animals are irrelevant.

The Probational

The Probational (sometimes referred to as “The Bitch” or “The Okie Doke”) is a vomelette in name only; no vomit is actually used in the preparation of The Probational.  Instead, the chef constructs an omelette, then adds ingredients (usually green dye) to simulate the look and texture of vomit.

The Gauntlet

Legally, we cannot list any information about The Gauntlet, as it is a crucial component to a federal case still under investigation; the details of such a case are irrelevant.

We hope that the above article has given you all the information you need to characterize and determine any vomelette you may come across.  We are not saying, however, that you will for sure, in your college career, encounter a vomelette; there is no extra-curricular that guarantees you will consume a vomelette.  Furthermore, there is no proof that vomelettes even exist, in essence.  If there was proof that vomelettes existed, the source of that proof would be irrelevant, as would everything regarding such a reveal.  Many of these words are speculative.  They are the thoughts of the author, and no larger entity or organization, including Sherman Ave.  Whether or not the author has ever digested, or even seen, a vomelette is irrelevant.  In essence, the 882 words of this piece are irrelevant.  Please do not tweet at the author or Sherman Ave with any questions concerning vomelettes – they will not be answered.

Finally, these is a very high probability that this article will not exist on the internet for very long.  If you are reading this article a year or longer after its publication, then the world may in fact have changed in some way.  But most likely not.

One Response to “Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: The Vomelette”

  1. E K January 19, 2014 at 10:27 pm #

    You said it would be informative. It was informative.

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