Predicting the hottest trends of 2014: Bouncy Castles, the Internet, and Miranda Cosgrove, oh my

18 Jan

With every new year comes new fashions and trends. Last year we had twerking, the Harlem Shake, Miley Cyrus, masturbating while crying, and Klondike® bars. What will be hip, hop, and happening in 2014? Our expert analysts have done some digging to find out.

1. Miranda Cosgrove

Some call her the “Next Miley Cyrus,” others say they knew her back when she was just that annoying girl from School of Rock (Summer Wheatley, Class Factotum). When she stars in the next Hunger Games movie, she will become the newest sensation, until things start to hit rock bottom when the fame gets to her head. Her heroin addiction, only discovered when she passes out from an overdose on her first nude photoshoot, will be what puts her firmly in the spotlight for the year.

2. Internet 2.0

All the problems with the internet now will be solved by Internet II. It will only host the Internet elite, ranging from educational ventures, social networking, to porn. Lots of porn. In fact, the new Internet will slowly be destroyed by porn just like the original internet has been. Think about how much porn there is on the Internet now, and watch it all move to the newer, faster Internet. But really I don’t get why we could ever need so much porn.

3. Doping

So much for clean athletes. In early 2014, the United States Anti-Doping Agency (USADA) will close down its doors when a Supreme Court case rules that doping in sports is a constitutional right, and no different than using specialized equipment on the sports field. This will lead to a fantastic year for sports, where literally every record will be broken.

4. Your High School Girlfriend

You knew after Thanksgiving break of your freshman year that things weren’t going to work out between the two of you, but little did you know, things are going to turn around for her. While you are sitting at home watching reruns of Family Guy and eating popcorn, she will be working at her dream job in L.A., wining and dining with the Hollywood Elite. You know how you always wanted to meet Ryan Gosling? Well she’s dating him now, so that’s your in if you have the balls to call her up.

5. Bouncy Castles

In March the video for the newest One Direction single (yeah sorry they will still be around for years to come), “Maybe We’re Gay (You’ll Never Know),” in which the band members wrestle around for five minutes in a bouncy castle. After that, they will no longer be just for kids. Soon they will be seen at every party imaginable, from Hollywood afterparties, to white tie dinners at the White House. Soon bounce houses will open up bars to cater to their new target demographics.

6. Being Gay

When in a late 2014 interview with Oprah, Niall Horin and Harry Styles reveal the truth about their relationship over the past years, being gay will become fashionable for the first time since the Roman Empire. The many people who lived in fear of how their sexuality will be accepted will finally be free to be themselves, and a new generation of straight people will try to act gay to fit in at their high schools.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: