MIAMI– Explaining that the law provides “blanket immunity for white people,” pop star Justin Bieber announced Thursday that he will use Florida’s “Stand Your Ground Defense” against charges of driving under the influence and drag racing.
“We’re very confident that this case will be thrown out of court,” a visibly intoxicated but still fucking smiling Bieber told reporters on the courthouse steps. “I mean, it’s Florida. And I’m white. Could I make it any more obvious?”
Legal experts were quick to support Bieber’s position, and pointed to Florida’s history of never having been able to get a single conviction.
“Look, if he’d murdered his own child and continued to party while the fake ‘search’ went on, all while leading police down a bizarre path of lies, I’d give him maybe 60/40 odds of acquittal. But drag racing in Miami Beach? I think he can make a strong argument that it was the police who acted improperly by NOT getting hammered and speeding through the streets in a yellow Lamborghini,” Alan Dershowitz said in an exclusive interview.
Bieber would not elaborate on reported plans to use a revolutionary “Bath Salts Defense” if Stand Your Ground failed to get the case tossed out.