Professor Facing Charges for Scanning Genitals into Optional Course Readings Since 2009

27 Jan

EVANSTON, IL — Northwestern University music history professor Dr. Maxwell Douglas is currently on academic probation and awaiting trial on the charges that he repeatedly scanned his genitalia into PDFs of optional course readings posted on the university’s course management site.


Dr. Douglas.  Not pictured: Dr. Douglas’s junk.

The extent of the professor’s perverse action is currently under investigation, although sources can confirm the obscene imagery appeared as early as 2009 in an excerpt on Gregorian chant and continued undiscovered until late 2013.

Bienen junior and classical guitar performance major Robert Hanson was the first to report having found the images of the professor’s phallus while reviewing course materials for the class’s final.

“I thought it might be a good idea to actually do some of the course reading to get ready for the final. At first I wasn’t sure what I was looking at, you know,” said Hanson, who came forward to university authorities after discovering the graphic image. “[The phallus] was kind of pressed between the glass of the copier and the book. It looked really heavy.”

The book in question, an exploration on the dissemination of Gregorian chant through the Holy Roman Empire, was one of dozens whose pages were marred with Douglas’ compressed genital which had apparently been overlooked or ignored by at least 5 classes of approximately 50 students each over the past five years.

“It’s like [Douglas] knew we didn’t care enough about the class to open the documents, you know?” reported Kate McMannus, a composition major in the Bienen school. “It’s really—it’s really unsettling to realize that those penises were just sitting right there under our noses. I feel so guilty but I can’t help thinking that this is what Robert deserved for doing the readings. I hope he thinks it was worth it.”

An anonymous source from the class provided a first hand look at the affected readings.

While early PDFs contain only one or two affected pages at the end of the readings, Dr. Douglas appears to have grown more brazen over time—several readings on Hildegard von Bingen, uploaded to the course management system as late as October 2013, are obscured by Douglas’ flaccid genital on every page, including the title page.

“I can’t stop thinking about what must have been going through his head every time he assigned us reading,” continued Kate McMannus. “He must have known he would be caught if any of us ever actually did the coursework. It’s so sick. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to bring myself to do course reading again.”

2 Responses to “Professor Facing Charges for Scanning Genitals into Optional Course Readings Since 2009”

  1. scarletedmonds January 27, 2014 at 3:30 pm #


    • Gakkkk January 27, 2014 at 7:12 pm #

      Well done!

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