Administration To NUCuisine Workers: “Don’t Get Any Ideas”

29 Jan

EVANSTON, Ill.– Following the news that players on the Northwestern football team have filed a petition to unionize, the school’s administration told cafeteria workers Tuesday “not to pay any attention to that stuff” and to “get back to work.”

“Now listen here,” Sam Walton, NU’s Director of Employee Satisfaction, told NUCuisine workers. “Don’t get any ideas, alright? We don’t want any trouble round here.”

The administration’s announcement came at an emergency all-worker meeting called after Walton found a copy of Norma Rae in an employee’s backpack after he tripped and fell and accidentally unzipped it and looked through the backpack as he tried to get back up.

“I don’t know what you’ve been told, but you should be aware that any attempt to organize would simply result in layoffs,” Walton said sternly. “The athletic department has already decided to eliminate the position of running back because of  yesterday’s unionization attempt.”

Walton noted that the loss of an RB was expected to result in a net loss of 2 yards per game for the NU offense.

“Now get back to work,” he reportedly added.

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