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The Inner Monologue of a Girl Watching the The Fault In Our Stars Trailer

29 Jan

I don’t even know why I come to class at this point. I’m not going to pay attention. I’m pretty sure I learned this in high school. This is just stupid.

UGH Facebook is so BORING right now. C’mon people, give me something to look at.

Jeez, if this kid posts ONE MORE status about how cool his internship is, I’m going to find a way to make sure that shit doesn’t lead to a job after college. Because clearly, I have that kind of power.

Oh look, that bitch from high school gained weight. Poor girl. NOT. Haha, karma’s a bitch.

Okay maybe I’ll go look at twi—

The Fault In Our Stars Official Trailer? What?! WHAAAAAT?! I need to watch this.

[clicks play, music plays loudly in the middle of class]

Shit. Embarrassing. Must find headphones. Must find headphones…

[searches through backpack]
WHERE THE FUCK ARE MY HEADPHONES?!
Okay, calm down. You seriously cannot hyperventilate in the middle of this class…again.

There they are. Phew. Okay.

[clicks play again]

“I believe we have a choice in this world about how to tell sad stories…”

Yeah, and John Green made the choice to RIP MY HEART OUT. Oh no…am I crying already? Okay, okay. It’s just a trailer…just a trailer.

“Hey…make some friends!”

Or, you know, go meet the love of your life and the most perfect boy ever. FICTIONAL boy. Damnit. Sigh. Sniff.

“You trying to keep your distance from me in no way lessens my affection for you”

WHY WON’T A BOY SAY THAT TO ME?! It wouldn’t be creepy if he was like Augustus. Sniff, sniff.

Hazel and Augustus kiss, background music becomes triumphant.

Oh god they’re so perfect. LOOK AT THEM. THIS STORY IS PERFECT AND BEAUTIFUL AND I LOVE IT AND UGHHHH. Sniiiiiiiiffffffff.

“Are you angry?” “So angry.”

YEAH, ME FUCKING TOO. WHY DOESN’T THIS MOVIE COME OUT SOONER?!? WHY DID JOHN GREEN RUIN MY LIFE?!?? WHYYYYYYYYYY?!?!?!??!???!!!?! Loud sobs.

Okay?”
“Okay.”

I CAN’T. I’m done. Nope. See ya. Bye.

[gets up to leave class and purchase pint of Ben and Jerry’s, slips on own puddle of tears]

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