Point/Counterpoint: Is “Frozen” Humanity’s High Point?

30 Jan

Point: Frozen is the greatest thing that has ever happened to humanity.

Well, it’s all downhill from here, folks. We got what we came for, and what we came for was the perfect animated musical. See, as a human being with a heart, two eyes and a set of ears, I can confirm that Disney’s “Frozen” is the greatest thing we as a human race have ever experienced.

It’s not hard to understand why Frozen is the defining cultural moment of our lifetime, or how truly blessed we are to have been alive for this experience. The music is sublime, the humor is pitch-perfect, the strong female leads are a breath of fresh air, and the story arc is engaging. As a human person capable of feeling emotions, I can recognize this and appreciate it for the pinnacle of mankind that it is.

Furthermore, because of my status as a living Earthling, I can quickly discern that the “feelings” I encountered during my repeated, incessant viewings of Frozen were entirely new sensations that I was not previously aware I had inside me, and are ones that I will surely never feel again. To say that the film permanently altered my existence is of course not an overstatement, but rather another way of phrasing the simple fact that I have seen the movie in question.

In conclusion, I am a sentient human capable of watching and understanding film. Therefore, I can say with complete certainty that Frozen is the single greatest occurrence in the history of mankind.

Counterpoint: I’m a terrible, soulless creature

I, on the other hand, literally do not have a heart. It was torn out of me by Mola Ram deep within a temple of doom and I have since been unable to feel. My entire existence since the removal of my heart has been a nonstop hellride as I deal with both the physical pain and the permanent paralysis of my internal self.

Additionally, at age eight I had a lengthy makeout session with a curvaceous dementor that left me utterly bereft of a soul. Because of this experience, I am not currently capable of experiencing human emotions, instead wandering through life devoid of any semblance of meaning or love.

I should really pause here to clarify that even before these incidents, I was a truly putrid excuse for a person. I was, from birth, an excruciatingly abhorrent human being and a violently disgraceful specimen with insurmountably poor taste and judgment.

For these reasons, I did not find Disney’s Frozen to be an enjoyable movie-going experience.

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