The Top Ten Wikipedia Wormholes

3 Feb

When’s the last time you wikipedia-ed the living shit out a random subject just for the sake of learning? Hold on, what? Never? Ok

Let it take control.  You are powerless against it's magnificent aura.

Let it take control. You are powerless against its magnificent aura.

fine, asshole. When’s the last time you wikipedia-ed the living shit out a random subject just for the sake of procrastinating? Yesterday? That’s what I fucking thought, douchenozzle.

But how do you know that you’re getting the most out of your Wikipedia experience? Have you ever thought that maybe the shit you Wikipedia is boring and that, much like everything about your life, you are also boring? Yo quit yelling, it’s chill. We’re here to set things straight.

1. Space

One moment you’re trying to verify a quote allegedly uttered by Albert Einstein and the next moment you’re learning about black holes and quasars and the dual behavior of photons and HOLY SHIT SPACE GETS ME SO HYPE NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON TAKE ME AWAY ON A SPACESHIP SO I CAN LEARN ABOUT THE UNIVERSE I JUST WANNA KNOOOOOWWWWWW.

2. Shit that Lives at the Bottom of the Ocean

Like this guy, the blobfish.  Isn't he precious? (via

Like this guy, the blobfish. Isn’t he precious? (via

There is nothing in this life, not death, not public speaking, not seeing a former one-night stand on Sheridan, that is as terrifying as the living things that inhabit the deepest reaches of the ocean floor.

3. Nikola Tesla

He was also played by David Bowie in an actual movie.  Yes, you read that right (via

He was also played by David Bowie in an actual movie. Yes, you read that right. (via

This crazy bastard has got to be, hands down, the most interesting human being who has ever graced this planet. Homie never touched a woman in his whole life and yet also single-handedly caused an earthquake in New York, invented a death ray, controlled lightning, came up with the most efficient way to transmit electrical currents and was also 100% PSYCHOTIC. Like, holy CHRIST this man was batshit. Dick Cheney gets uncomfortable thinking about just how dangerously insane Tesla was.

4. The Civil War

Usually I’m just balls deep in a tower of the library, mad stressing about an upcoming midterm for which I’m frighteningly unprepared, when it occurs to me that what I really need is an inspirational quote to fire me up. After watching the ‘Miracle’ speech 20 times, running around in circles while screaming “God bless this great nation!” and sobbing quietly at my desk, I remember that Abraham Lincoln also said some pretty inspirational shit once upon a time.

“Alright so, googling Abraham Lincoln quotes. Ok. Ooooook. Let’s see what we got here. Hm? People also search for William Tecumseh Sherman? He was kind of a badass, right? Wait, he did WHAT to Atlanta??”

5. Florence Nightingale

I honestly couldn’t explain this one to you, but for whatever reason this bitch always finds a way to pop up in any Wikipedia wormhole I fall down. Even when I google space. And I’m like, “What’s Florence Nightingale doing in space?” And then the person next to me in periodicals is like, “Dude, you’re making me really uncomfortable.” And then I’m all, “WELL TALK TO FLORENCE CAUSE SHE’S MAKING ME REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE.”

You're my only real friend, Mario.

You’re my only real friend, Mario.

6. The Entire Plot and Background Universe of Popular Videogames

This is kind of cheating, cause here I am just Wikipediaing a video game from my youth, and then it turns out that this videogame has its OWN ENTIRE WIKIPEDIA DEDICATED SOLELY TO ITS EXISTENCE and it has this WHOLE CRAZY UNIVERSE that I never knew existed. And I just think to myself, “Oh hell yeah, imma bout to pretend this shit is REAL for the next half hour.”

7. The Entire Plot of Popular Movies So I Can Pretend Like I’ve Seen Them And Engage In Conversations with People I Know Without Being Asked, “OMG you haven’t seen (Insert Movie Here)?? Do you live under a rock???”

No. I don’t live under a rock. I literally don’t know how that would even be possible. How big is this rock? Is there like, space under this rock? Like a cave-type crevice or some shit? I guess I’m just wondering about the physics of how this would work. You people are acting like this is an everyday thing that people just live under rocks and I’m all like, “Dude, no they don’t.”

8. Professional Sports Drafts

Admittedly this one might only apply to a certain segment of my audience (loljk nobody actually reads this blog, right?). But I’m the guy who Wikipedias “2001 NFL Draft” and then spends 5 minutes yelling “NOOO YOU FUCKING ASSHATS SELECTED DAVID TERRELL WITH THE 8TH OVERALL PICK??? ARE YOU SERIOUS?? THAT GUY WAS LIKE A 72 IN MADDEN. OBVIOUSLY YOU SHOULD HAVE DRAFTED DREW BREES. OBVIOUSLY.”

9. Important Facts Regarding the Subject about which I’m Learning

For example, did you know you’re not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition? Crazy world we live in, man. Just crazy.

10. The Unusual Articles List

The ring is yours now, Frodo. The ring is yours.

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