19 Times BuzzFeed Made You Want to Drink Excessively to Deal with their Ridiculous Drivel Masquerading as Journalism

5 Feb

1. 13 Potatoes that Look Like Channing Tatum

BuzzFeed's internationally recognized mascot.

BuzzFeed’s internationally recognized mascot.

I once sat across the aisle from Channing Tatum on a plane which yeah isn’t totally relevant but it’s one of my better stories and I want you to think I’m cool he wore expensive looking headphones.

2. 13 Reasons Shakira Should Be President of the World

Listen BuzzFeed editors, it’s clear from the content of your site that you didn’t go to college, but a 4th grade education should have taught you that president of the world is not a real job. And if it were it would go to Beyoncé.

3. 30 Reasons Birth Control Exists

Um. To prevent pregnancy?

4. 10 Signs You’re a TOTAL Capricorn

1. You were born between December 22- January 19

2. You were not born any other time

3. You have a horn on your forehead

5. 14 Reasons Why 2013 Was a Bad Year for Jose Canseco’s Goats

1-14: These goats belong to Jose Canseco.

6. 15 Hedgehogs with Things That Look Like Hedgehogs

If you put two hedgehogs next to a hot dog guess what that looks like (hint: penis).

7. This Chihuahua is Beyoncé on a Bad Day

Beyoncé doesn’t have bad days.

8. PS4 Owners Are Watching Three Times as Much Porn as Xbox One Owners

I feel like I should mention that BuzzFeed gave PS4s to their employees as Christmas gifts last year.

9. The 29 Most Important Chicken Fingers of All Time

Is literally everyone high over there?

10. 19 Things Worse Than Learning Beyoncé Lip-Synched at the Inauguration

BuzzFeed’s List: Snapchatting in public, bad fan art, failing at dominoes. Normal Human’s List: Genocide, AIDS, drunk drivers, CeeLo Green.

11. These 3 Vines of a Puppy Playing in the Snow For the First Time are The Only Internet Thing You Need

The atrocious grammar of this title hurts my soul so badly. But more so than that it’s a lie; I also need the internet for email, google, facebook, lemonparty.com, etc.

12. 15 Things That Happen When You Fall in Love With a Big Can of Soup

Valentine’s Day is a whole lot cheaper when you’re only cooking for one.

13. 35 Movies That Are Turning 10 Years Old in 2014

Alternate title: 35 Movies that came out in 2004, found via a list on IMBD.

14. Remember When Wyclef Jean Did A Song With The Rock?


15. 28 Times Amanda Seyfried’s Hair Was Your Religion

“In the name of the Pantene, and the L’Oreal, and the Holy Garnier Fructis.”

16. The 30 Most Important Rainbow Loom Accomplishments of 2013

Pissed that mine, a creation depicting the cast of Game of Thrones twerking, only made the top 31.

17. Did you Know That There is a Breed of Duck That Looks Exactly like Harry Styles?

Causing confusing feelings in farmers’ preteen daughters everywhere.

18. Did You Know Celine Dion Has Her Own Personal $72 Million Water Park Mansion?

Wait this is actually really important.

19. Kelly Rowland Was the Most Flawless Human of 2013


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