No One Sure Why They Went to The Deuce Last Night

7 Feb

EVANSTON – Faced with the throbbing psychological pain of a punishing 10 AM alarm on Friday morning, sources confirmed earlier today that not a single person on Northwestern University’s campus could provide an explanation of why they had gone to the Mark II Lounge the previous night.

Alternate slogan: "Ruining dreams since forever." (via mullensbarandgrill.com)

Alternate slogan: “Ruining dreams since forever.” (via mullensbarandgrill.com)

Most students reported that they wished fiery, bloody destruction on the Deuce and all of its owners, employees and patrons.

“Oh my god I just don’t know why the fuck I went to the fucking Deuce last night,” said Catherine Lloyd (Weinberg ‘14). “Christ, why did I think that was a good idea? What was it that I thought I was going to gain by going to the Deuce? Overpriced drinks? Sweaty, crowded environments? Tetanus?”

The vast majority of students responded that they simply could not explain why they enthusiastically agreed to pay $4 for a cab to what was described as “the shittiest bar I could ever possibly conceive of in my most twisted, depressing fantasies” only to walk around in a large circle, holding multiple boring, surface-level conversations with people they hadn’t thought about in weeks.

“IT JUST WASN’T WORTH IT,” said David McKinley (SESP ‘17). “IT WASN’T FUCKING WORTH IT.”

When asked if the free pizza had softened the blow of their terrible decision, 70% of respondents instantaneously projectile vomited onto passer-bys.

“Bllluuuuuaaaaaahhhhhhhhh. Urp. Guuurrrrrrrgglle bllllluuuuaaaaaaahhhhhhh,” said Kim Bennett (McCormick ‘15).

Most students, however, left open the possibility of a return trip to the Mark II Lounge the following Thursday, saying “I mean, sometimes the Deuce is fun, right?”

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