EVANSTON, IL — Faced with an empty other half of the bed and a vomit-inducing hangover, sources confirmed that multiple
students could not in good conscience admit that they had an enjoyable time at La Macchina open bar night this Valentine’s Day.
Most students admitted that their night at La Macchina, a recently-opened Evanston restaurant/bar, was nothing but an empty symbol of their current love life, which consists of drunken booty calls and one-sided gazes across the table during their respective student group’s exec meetings.
Students revealed that they went to La Macchina because it offered the glimmering prospect a Valentine’s Day hookup. They were only disappointed.
“Yeah, I know, I’m single. Thanks for FUCKING reminding me,” said senior Abby Leonard (McCormick ’14). “This sucks. These people here… they think they’re having fun but THEY’RE NOT.”
“The ceiling was dripping. I think it was actual urine,” said senior Robert Smith (WCAS ’15).
The majority of students also admitted that the fire hazard-level crowds were not conducive to an enjoyable evening.
“It’s like the physical parameters of the bar were the solvent, and the volume of patrons was the solute. The solution was supersaturated to the point where that shit PRECIPITATED,” said senior chemistry major Mike Goldberg (WCAS ’15).
Junior Ariana Lewis (WCAS ’15) echoed his sentiments. “The number of strangers who have grazed my boobs tonight is not ok,” she said.
When asked how else they could have spent their Valentine’s Day evening, most students responded that they could have either gone to a “fucking frat party” or stayed home and watched House of Cards. The majority of students regretted that they did not choose the latter option.