In 1776, one country dawned in a time of great uncertainty. The Communists hated the freedoms of this new nation conceived in liberty; the Canadians – the Canadians! – would soon go on to defeat this new country in war (twice); the leader of this republic, George Washington, was battling dentures, a vicious, dirty campaign from Frank Underwood (spoiler alert, sorry), and the Germans on the Western Front. But from all of this emerged a beautiful, proud nation. A nation that celebrated its leaders.
Yes, Northwestern University Administration, I am talking about America. And yes, Northwestern University Administration, this nation – OUR nation – beat the odds. From those dark times emerged an incredibly powerful, super awesome country. A country that won GOLD yesterday in ice dancing. A country that is STILL undefeated in World Wars. A country that is home to extraordinary natural beauty and even more extraordinary people – people like William Henry Harrison, Millard Fillmore, and Chester Arthur. These men were Presidents, Leaders of the Free World, men so powerful that they have their own day to commemorate them.
But did we commemorate that day? My dear reader, no we did not!
Morty, do you think Joe McCarthy would approve of you teaching class with a RUSSIAN literature professor on Presidents Day? Todd Adams, where is your passive-aggressive electronic missive on cancelling class out of respect for Washington, Lincoln, and Reagan? Fellow Wildcats, we are all too caught up on the color purple. But what is purple if not the product of Red, White, and Blue?
For the past week, we have had the privilege to watch this nation’s finest athletes compete in the Winter Olympics. The administrators might not have been paying attention, or they might have been rooting for Canada, or the USSR, or some bullshit country like that. But I was paying attention, and I was rooting for the right team. In doing so, I learned something. TJ Oshie taught me that the real heroes wear camo. And those heroes’ heroes, my friends, are the PRESIDENTS OF THIS COUNTRY. SO RESPECT THEM. NO MORE CLASS ON PRESIDENTS DAY.
Sad truth: America has never beat Canada in a war.