EVANSTON, Il – A student conduct officer was rushed to the hospital Wednesday evening after a stick was found up his ass, Northwestern University officials say.
This marks the third stick-in-ass report for the Office of Student Conduct and Conflict Resolution in the past year alone, an epidemic that has left the department short-staffed.
“It’s definitely a problem,” paramedic Dan Snow, a first responder, said. “It’s almost as if all of these student conduct workers have sticks up their asses.”
Despite the medical urgency of the situation, authorities quickly became less concerned about how the stick got up the man’s butt and more mesmerized by its tremendous size.
“The girth of the stick up this guy’s ass is so insane,” 30-year-old Evanston hospital nurse Alex Cook said. “It’s remarkable to me, as a medical professional, that someone could manage to have such a log-sized stick up their ass.”
Cook, who took X-rays of the officer, says that the stick has been stuck for some 3 years, coincidentally the same amount of time the man in question has been employed at the Office of Student Conduct and Conflict Resolution.
“He refuses to tell anyone how it got up there,” she said. “He’s very grouchy and unhelpful–possibly because of the colossal stick up his ass.”
While Northwestern’s number of stick-up-the-ass reports remains staggeringly high for such a prestigious American university, there is cause for concern that many more incidents have gone unreported due to the conduct department’s “coma-inducing” bureaucratic process.
“It takes a long time to get the paperwork for something like that filed,” an anonymous source at the Office of Student Conduct and Conflict Resolution said. “We’re just now getting the final forms from, like, three years ago on a stick-up-the-ass case, which really puts some sand in my craw.”
Unsurprisingly, the number of staff members out on medical leave for tree-appendage related injuries to the butt only jams up the process further.
“It’s sad to see a department supposedly concerned with student safety so consistently getting sticks stuck up their own asses,” 19-year-old Weinberg sophomore Carry Wörstenburger said. “It’s a little reckless.”
For now, the man’s medical condition remains stable, though it has taken a great deal of work and Northwestern money to remove the stick with tender care.
“It’d be ideal if all of these people could get the sticks out their asses and run their office efficiently,” said a flustered university official. “But since we don’t know how such mammoth, Red Wood-sized sticks get lodged up there in the first place, there’s nothing to be done.”